"Sing the friends song, mommy," my two-year-old son insists.
I rock with him on my lap and repeat the lines I learned as a little girl in Girl Scouts: Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold. I’ve been repeating it to him since we moved out of the only home he’s ever known and the place where all of his friends reside.
The song offers good advice, and my son is taking it to heart. During idle moments in his car seat or stroller, he’ll recite names as if his life depends on remembering them: “Isla. Alec. Yam. Sienna. Gustavo. Noel. Beth.”
This is my son’s first move, but I’m a veteran. I’m a former diplomat, and my husband’s job takes us to a new country every two to four years. We’re currently in the U.S. for a few months on our way to Jerusalem, after a two-year stint in Barbados. It sounds exciting. It is, but it’s also lonely.
Each time we come back to the U.S., old friends seem to drift further and further away. Conversations that used to be full of giggles and inside jokes become forced and generic. How have you been? How's work? How's your mother?
They respond with questions that come off as equally cookie-cutter: "How was India? someone asks for the fourth time that week. I repeat my canned response about the crowds and the spicy food, not saying anything that I want to say because I don’t know how to describe what it was like to live there in the socially acceptable 10 seconds I am allotted to respond.
I excitedly tell my brother I’m looking forward to seeing his new apartment in New York City. He reminds me that he’s been living there for three years now. I eagerly wait to see my friend’s "new baby." She’s two-and-a-half. At least we’re still in touch. Unable to hold on across the miles, I watch more and more of my golden friends slip away, with the occasional Facebook like the only evidence of their continued existence.
We’re in a corporate hotel room now, the kind that comes with exactly four plates and exactly four forks and a dining table so small that it practically begs you to just go out to the nearest fast food joint instead.
I think about getting in touch with a friend from high school who’s living in the area where we’re staying (I know this, of course, from Facebook.). I look out of the window wistfully, ready to fondly reminisce about those years, expecting to see the palm trees that I became so used to in Barbados. I‘m jolted back to reality when I look directly out onto a brick wall instead. It seems like an ominous metaphor.
If I can’t keep my old friends, I figure I can at least try to make new ones. But just try telling the awesome mom you met at the local park that you’re only in town for six more weeks. It scares away women faster than a frat boy casually mentioning on a date that he’s “just not looking for something serious right now.”
My son has it easier. I place him in the sandbox at the local park and instruct him to give one of his trucks to the other boy there, who looks to be about his age. The boy eagerly grasps it. "Now go ask that boy if he wants to be your friend," I instruct him next.
The boy does, of course. At two, it really is that easy.
I wish I could say that I learned from my son. That I realized that at heart, everyone wants to be liked and everyone is open to friendship. That I finally started to put myself out there and called that friend from high school, or that I clicked with the mother of the boy at the playground, or that I joined a yoga studio and became the life of the party at future outings. I didn’t. Not yet, at least.
Making new friends as an adult isn’t easy. I guess that’s why the ones we have are as good as gold.
Welcome back to Parental Advisory, where I answer all of your social media and IRL parenting etiquette questions. This week, let's talk about babysitters and the parents who never use them.
Question:
I’m 33 and live with my girlfriend. We do not have kids. Maybe one day we will, but right now we don’t. We have a dog and a chicken. (If you had kids, I would tell you that the dog and the chicken are “just like our kids.") We also have two nieces and a nephew between the two of us that spend a lot of time with us. (Again, if you had kids, I would tell you that they are “just like our kids.”)
We have friends who are parents. It’s impossible to hang around them without the kids. When we do spend time with them, it usually involves a play-date at one of our houses with alcohol for the adults. I also have a buddy who's a stay-at-home dad that I’ve got the same problem with. He comes in from out of town, always with the kid or kids, and we end up stuck at home babysitting instead of doing anything fun. And the dog jumps on his son and scratches him and licks his face, then my buddy gets irritated — it just doesn’t work.
In both cases, my girlfriend and I would prefer to leave the kids at home some night, and go out for dinner and drinks. But no one wants to get a babysitter. I’m not even talking about a babysitter-for-hire, but even grandma or grandpa. I know our frustration is not unique. I’ve got other friends that I’ve grown apart from since my 20s due to this same phenomenon, and I know other people in my boat go through the same experience. Maybe its just a fact of life, and I need to get over it. But do people not do the babysitter thing anymore? I know when I was a kid, my parents left my sister and me home all the time with teenagers from town, and we loved it. It usually meant we got pizza, rented a video, and stayed up late. It doesn’t seem like that goes on anymore.
If you dare to pose the question: “Should my friends maybe — once in a long while — get a babysitter and go out with their friends?” you get the treatment this poor guy Anonymous got. Reading between the lines, I think what the world is telling him is: “Grow up. Mature people have no interest in bars and being away from kids. You should either (1) have kids and adopt their life of true moral purpose; or (2) find different friends that are degenerate lushes just like you. If you had kids, you know that you would NEVER want to trade family game night for a night out with your barren, spinster-y friends, even if babysitters were lined up at your door.
I certainly sympathize with parents who genuinely don’t have the time or money to go out because of their kids. I’m not suggesting that parents shouldn’t spend the majority (if not vast majority) of their weekends with their kids. I can imagine the demands that kids place on their parents. I do, after all, have a dog and a chicken. I’m just curious if you’ve explored this subject or run across any literature on it that might offer me some reassurance that I’m not being unreasonable, inconsiderate, or selfish. As near as I can tell, there is a dearth of treatment of this subject out there, and even less actual sympathy for guys like Anonymous and me.
A.
Answer:
A common gripe I hear is that once a couple has a baby, it suddenly feels like they call all the shots and put their needs, schedules and time frames ahead of everyone else's — especially those of their childless friends. And those friends don't exactly know how to react because what they're thinking is, "Why is your life more important than mine?" and what comes out of their mouths is, "OK... whatever works best for you and baby Braelyn!" Or in your case, A., rolling with the assumption that any time you see your friends with kids, it will involve your friends... with their kids. Also, in terms of "literature" on this topic, all I ever see online is mind-numbing stuff like this:
Image: The Daddy Complex
People without kids have been conditioned to not only believe there's something wrong with them for not having or possibly wanting kids, but to also believe they must be polite to their parent friends at all costs. They must be amenable. They must cheerfully attend children's birthday parties. When making plans, they should consider the lives of their friends' children. They know if they don't, their parent friends will be thinking, "Dinner at 8 p.m.? Did it occur to you that 8 p.m. is when I tuck in my daughter and read her a bedtime story? Guess not, but no dinner is more important to me than my daughter's bedtime ritual. #sorrynotsorry."
People without kids may find themselves constantly skating around their parent friends because they want to be flexible and not appear unaware of the stress and responsibility of parenting. But really, is going out alone every now and then without the kids such a tall order? I don't think it should be.
Plus, most people want to be supportive and have a genuine interest in knowing their friends' kids. They want to tag along on a trip to the zoo. And like you, A., they're sympathetic and mindful of the costs that come with child-rearing. But most people also want to see their friends alone again someday, and society teaches us that childless adults shouldn't feel that way or express it out loud. It's "wrong" for adults to admit they don't love or even like little kids, and it's "wrong" for people to anticipate seeing their parent friends, at any time, without their children in tow. Much like those single friends you never see alone again after they get involved in a committed relationship, some parents will never show up to anything by themselves ever again. They also have an extensive list of reasons for always bringing along their kids to hang out, the most common ones being:
Babysitters are expensive.
Parents don't like leaving their kids with babysitters because they don't trust most babysitters they've met.
Babysitters are unreliable and difficult to find.
Parents want their friends to know their kids and vice versa.
It honestly never occurred to them that their friends might not always want their kids around.
Family doesn't live nearby.
They could leave their kids with their grandparents, but they'd prefer not to ask family for help unless it's absolutely necessary.
Parents love being around their kids and would rather be with them than not be with them. Kids are their whole world now, and that means their schedule revolves around them, and they're cool with that.
Even with all these reasons to consider, however, what you're saying is still true, A. There was a time when parents frequently (and enthusiastically) hired $5 per hour babysitters, but unfortunately, those days are over. When I asked a friend who's the mom of a teen about this, she said, "Babysitters are more expensive than ever, and finding a responsible teenager is like finding a unicorn. People don’t live near their families as much as they used to. Also, I think young parents are especially nervous about leaving their kids with a babysitter.
That said, finding a good babysitter is the best thing you can do for yourself as a parent. You need to get away from your kid every now and then, and parents should make it a priority. Some people definitely rationalize that their kid is fun and/or easy, but I think they’re just nervous to make that leap. I’m now at the stage when my friends' kids are old enough to be left at home alone, and some people just don’t believe it and bring their teenagers along and then those teenagers sulk and eat all the appetizers.
Say what? TEENAGERS! Whoa. The parents of today are on the other end of the spectrum from the parents who hired Kimberly from up the block to get pizza, rent a video and stay up late making prank calls with the kids while their parents attended a key party or whatever. Nowadays, parents who can afford to hire Kimberly would still rather hang out with their kids at home and take Instagrams of their every move for virtual likes than go out.
But putting aside the neurotic parents who keep their kids on a leash until they're 18, I do think expense is the main culprit here. And Grandma and Grandpa aren't always what they're cracked up to be, even if they live nearby. Understandably, your friends are no longer in the position they once were, and their priorities (and finances) have shifted. Also understandably, you think that sucks.
I agree with your assessment that this transitional period is a fact of life and something to be accepted (if reluctantly), but I also agree that it sucks. You're allowed to be annoyed by your friends' kids or annoyed by the fact that you don't see them alone anymore. I give you full permission to not childproof your home when your buddy comes over, and your dog can lick all the kids' faces he wants. But I'd encourage you to tell your friends that you'd like to have a night out without the kids sometime. Start the dialog and see where it leads. You never know; maybe your friends are looking for a great excuse to take a night off, but won't instigate the action themselves. Maybe you just need to find new ways to hang out alone together and can brainstorm and figure out better solutions. Maybe some of your friends agree with you.
I can reassure you that you're not being unreasonable, inconsiderate or selfish for preferring the days when your friends didn't have mini-mes. And I believe that one day it'll be acceptable to say that out loud to someone who isn't a stranger on the internet, your partner or your dog. Until then, try to learn from those broken relationships in your 20s and reassess what you want your friendships to look like right now. Just because your friends want to hang out with their kids doesn't mean that you have to.
Do YOU have a question about parents on social media? Send whatever is on your mind to stfuparentsblog AT gmail.com!
Sometimes you just want a big old gooey brownie — but you don't want to deal with the mess of making a batch, and it would also be great if it wasn't a total carb bomb, too.
This quick recipe is super easy to whip up and will satisfy all of your chocolatey needs, without a ton of carbs. Now if we could just find a way to take all of the calories out of ice cream, life would be perfect.
Beauty blogs, fashion blogs, music blogs, celebrity gossip blogs... there's a million of them out there. But of everything going on in the blogosphere, family blogs stand above the rest. Why? Because they're a great way for relatives to keep in touch, and they close a gap that distance might normally widen.
Contrary to popular belief, not everybody starts a blog to become the next social media sensation — though some do, and it's pretty dang cool when it happens. A lot of people start blogging as a way of journaling daily feelings and events, which was kind of the original thought behind blogs when they first started popping up on the internet.
Yes, for some people blogging is a way to make extra cash and is a full-time job. But it really doesn't have to be all about money. Blogging actually is an effective tool to help families stay connected. As busy parents, we simply do not have the time to send out cards and letters stuffed with pictures every time we have news to share. Blogging allows us to share a slice of life with those we love, and it enables distant family and friends to check in on us, without flooding them with more stuff to throw in their junk-drawers. It's quick, easy and environmentally-friendly.
If you are intimidated by blogging, don't be. It's as simple as choosing a host site, customizing how it looks, and writing away.
Choosing a host site
Wordpress insta
Wordpress insta
There are some really reliable free blog host sites out there that are perfect for the recreational blogger. If you ever do decide to take your blogging pro, you might want to upgrade to a fancier hosting site, but here are a few that are great if you're just looking to put your thoughts and ideas out there on the internet for family and friends (and whoever else wants to stop on by).
Wordpress (Not totally free, but a good bang for your buck)
For a more in-depth analysis of each free blogging platform and what they have to offer, check out Blog Basic's breakdown here.
Customize your blog
TCBOTB Insta
TCBOTB Insta
Most blogging sites offer free templates. Some are relatively plain while others are pretty elaborate. You can choose backgrounds, banners, headers, sidebars, post dividers and buttons that reflect your family's personality.
Once you've started your blog and feel you have a pretty good lay of the land, The Cutest Blog on the Block and Shabby Blogs both have really cute graphics you can brighten up your site with.
Posting to your Blog
Posting to your blog
Posting to your blog
When you start writing, the most important thing to consider is who your audience is. If it's family and friends, they simply want to know what's going on in your life. Keep your posts short and sweet with great photos. In other words, people will visit your blog for a quick update, not a manifesto.
Resist the urge to share your vents (unless of course they are entertaining, brief and pertinent), and try not to share every single picture from your recent trip to the zoo. Instead, post the best of the batch to keep your visitors coming back to your blog, instead of avoiding it. It's also a good idea to post on a consistent basis — nothing drives an audience away faster than sporadic updates.
Blogs can even become family keepsakes! Blog2Print offers a great service that lets you publish all your blog posts into book form.
All of us Food Network junkies have witnessed pro chefs casually add a pinch of this and a dash of that without measuring — only to have flawless results. It's a situation that usually ends in disaster for most. How the heck do they pull it off?
While it's true that some people are just born naturally gifted in the kitchen, it's actually possible to learn how to eyeball those measurements without cups and spoons. It's all about teaching yourself to eyeball the ingredients correctly. Here's how.
Step 1: Prepare your area
Lay out a long sheet of parchment paper across your table or counter, about 24″ long.
Step 2: Measure (just this once!)
Using flour, rice, oats or any similar dry ingredient, measure out 1 cup, 1/2 cup and 1/4 cup.
Step 3: "Un-measure"
Dump them onto the parchment paper in separate piles.
Step 4: Look carefully
Study how large the piles are — this represents what would be in your mixing bowl or saucepan.
Take it one step further and see what those measurements actually look like in the bowls and pans you use most. And you don’t have to do it all at once -- be observant the next time you cook, paying special attention to what that half-cup of rice looks like in your saucepan.
You can also recognize what liquid ingredients -- like water, cream and oil -- look like by measuring them in appropriate cups and spoons and adding them to your most commonly used bowls and pans.
You can probably fit a full 1/4 cup in the palm of your hand. And with up to 1/4 cup, you can measure anything. Need a cup of rice? Measure out four handfuls; it’s that easy. If you need a tablespoon, teaspoon or something similar, pay close attention the next time you measure something. Place it in the palm of your hand before adding it to whatever you’re cooking and notice how much space it takes up in your hand.
All partners squabble with each other. Sometimes it’s over the big issues like money and in-laws, but just as often it’s over those seemingly inconsequential things like whose turn it is to scoop the cat litter or the proper way to load the dishwasher.
It’s one of those facts of life we all experience but don’t often share. That’s why we asked the SheKnows Community to tell us what they really fight with their partner about. Whether it’s the serious stuff or the absurd, they’ve dealt with it all.
“We fight over who is actually funnier. I know I'm a real hoot but he's funny too and for some reason we both want the title of the funniest in this relationship!”
“My husband and I fight over if he closed the door while he is going #2. I always fuss with him and I ask him if he has the air freshener in there with him! I am so sorry but it smells so bad! I bought some Poo Pouri because it's just that bad and I hate the smell!”
“My husband and I argue about stuff that we remember differently. For example, to this day he believes we wrote our own wedding vows, and we simply didn't!”
“Grocery shopping with my husband always ends the same way – a silent car ride home. From buying all the things we don’t need, to shopping in the wrong order so our bread is definitely coming home with us crushed by a can of whole kernel corn, to me explaining (again) about how it is our family goes through more toilet paper than any family in America. Shopping with my husband always leads to an argument!”
We fight about our roles in the family. My partner has a very rigid set idea of what his role in our family is – leader, provider, man, and what my role as wife and mother is – nurturer, teacher, and mom (for all that entails, including taking care of the household duties). He's had this idea for years, since longer than I've known him. While I don't consider myself a feminist, I would never ascribe specific duties or "roles" based on our respective sex. In my view, we are partners and we role with the punches instead of falling apart when we can't meet unattainable goals and expectations we've set for ourselves. It's a cause for great turmoil in our house, especially as my partner has been out of work for a few months and is struggling with being able to be "the man."
“My husband holds on to everything and I am very in the moment. I have no fuse – totally combustible at all moments. But once I fire up, I cool off and let it go. He is the opposite and it is so frustrating.”
“Since I have been diagnosed with having multiple liver tumors, I have been feeling like my health issues are getting worse, and that I am not the same person I used to be. I get sick very often, and my chronic pain is ongoing. I am afraid of my loving husband, not loving me anymore. I am afraid that he will cheat, even though he is so faithful. I am afraid that my health issues will become worse, and that our life together will fall apart. That is what we argue about the most these days. He tries to tell me that I am fine, and that we are fine, and I sometimes accuse him of not loving, or liking me anymore. He says that I am still healthy, and strong. Trying to keep everything together is a challenge, but we are trying to roll with the punches, and celebrate our little victories. But I must admit, that my insecurities, do sometimes get the best of me.”
“Most often, we argue because of my insecurities, especially if I feel like he's being flirty or someone who used to have a crush on him comes around. In my past relationships where I couldn't trust my partner it has caused me to be insecure with my now very trustworthy partner. He's great at being understanding and I'm grateful for it, but usually an argument happens before I get my head about me and realize I have nothing to worry about with him.”
“My partner and I differ on the discipline techniques that we use for our children. In a typical heated scenario, I recognise that the children are genuinely confused with his message, and I am dying to say that but we had made a pact that we will never tell off each other in front of the kids because they need to see that we are a team. I try to soften the matter, usually by a deflecting question and he gets the cue and softens too. In extreme cases, we get behind the door and start a full-blown fight! His most common accusation is that the kids know I will come to the rescue and that makes them even more slack. However, I am of the opinion that they genuinely respect us and tend to slack off only when they see everyone slacking (Mom is lounging around, Dad is playing music, etc). My mantra is to infuse discipline into the atmosphere by getting everyone to chip in.”
Update: Jan. 13, 8:30 p.m. PT: People magazine reports that police were called to Paula Patton's Calabasas home to settle a custody dispute.
According to the magazine, Patton sent someone to pick up her son, Julian, from school on Thursday, even though it was her ex-husband Robin Thicke's turn for custody. Julian didn't return to school on Friday, and that evening, police were dispatched to Patton's house.
Police ultimately decided that the dispute was "a non-event" that "involved a child not wanting to go with someone," and they allowed Julian to stay with Patton.
According to Thicke's lawyers, "Paula sent someone to school to intercept Julian, in violation of the custody orders." They also claim that "Julian only shows any evidence of emotional harm when questioned by Paula or in her presence." Another source close to the family said the opposite: "Julian has made it clear he does not feel safe in his father’s presence, a fact confirmed today by the Malibu Sheriff’s Department determination — with Mr. Thicke present — that the child needed to remain with his mother."
Original story:
Robin Thicke and Paula Patton's divorce was amicable, but now they're engaged in a bitter custody battle over their 6-year-old son, Julian.
Thicke is being investigated on charges of alleged abuse.
At the beginning of the year, Julian reportedly told his school officials that his father had spanked him more than once. The school reported the incident on Jan. 3 to the Los Angeles County Department of Child and Family Services, which subsequently opened a case, sources familiar with the situation told TMZ.
This resulted in Patton denying Thicke access to Julian and filing an emergency order with the court requesting that Thicke's interaction with their son be limited to monitored daytime visits only. In the legal documents, Patton reportedly told Thicke, "Julian is scared of you."
The site also reports that in Patton's declaration, she revealed that Julian had told her (the day before he told the school) that Thicke had spanked him "really hard," and when she asked him to demonstrate, she agreed that it was painful. In addition, a school official reportedly also submitted a declaration stating that Julian told her that Thicke often "punches" him very hard.
According to Us Weekly, court documents state that the department has already interviewed Julian and was scheduled to interview Thicke on Thursday, Jan. 12.
However, Thicke denies any wrongdoing. In the court documents obtained by Us Weekly, Thicke states, "On a very rare occasion and only as a last resort, I will use light spanking, but it is consistent with the law — open hand on the butt. This is the type of discipline to which Paula and I agreed during our marriage."
He reportedly also feels that the decision to get the court involved is a revenge tactic on his ex-wife's part because he reportedly denied her and her family access to his late father Alan Thicke's funeral last month.
"It is my belief that Paula holds residual anger towards me because I and my family would not permit her or her family to attend the funeral of my father on December 20, 2016," Thicke reportedly alleges in the documents. Before going on to state that Patton and Alan did not have a close relationship and this is the reason why she was not welcome at the funeral.
He also claims that Patton's desire to attend Alan's funeral was only "because it would have resulted in additional public exposure for her."
But as ugly as this case is, Thicke appears to have already won a legal victory. Us Weekly reports that a source close to the situation revealed that a "judge denied everything in [Patton's] complaint" and that "Child Protective Services didn't see any evidence of wrongdoing."
Are you surprised by this custody battle between Robin Thicke and Paula Patton? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below.
Country singer Kimberly Schlapman's 9-year-old daughter Daisy Pearl is a lucky girl. She asked Santa for a little sister, and that's what she got.
The Schlapmans welcomed a new baby girl on New Year's Eve via domestic adoption, and introduced Dolly to the world on Instagram with a cute family portrait. Let's hope Daisy doesn't begin to regret her Christmas wish when Dolly wakes them all up in the middle of the night. (Celebrity babies cry too, right?)
Dolly might not be as popular as it once was (in the 1880s it was a regular in the top 300) but for a baby born into the Little Big Town family, what could be more appropriate? It's only the name of the world's most famous country diva.
(Yes, we are totally picturing a newborn Parton. Leopard print romper suit, sequined burp cloth... the works.)
Kimberly and Steve Schlapman recently celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary, but the Grammy-winning Little Big Town, whose hits include "Girl Crush" and "Better Man," have been together even longer — an impressive 18 years.
By now, most of us have heard at least a little bit about the Danish philosophy of living called hygge. We know about the wool socks and the candlelit evenings. Many of us have even made plans to live a more hyggeligt life, gathering our kids around the fireplace and indulging in hot chocolate daily.
If you haven’t heard much about hygge, pronounced “hoo-gah,” here are the basic facts you need to know. It’s a Danish thing we’ve recently become obsessed with in the States. The word doesn’t really translate into English, but some describe it as cozy and others as togetherness. To live a hyggeligt life is to embrace simple things without frills or extravagance. In her book, The Year of Living Danishly, author Helen Russell describes it as an absence of things that are annoying or associated with negative emotions. Who doesn’t want to live a life like that?
There are tons of reasons hygge is so great, but there is one that tops the rest — and it isn’t the hedgehog tea cozy you’ve been eyeing on Etsy. In my opinion, the real reason I'm ready to embrace hygge this winter is because it's really just a dressed-up excuse to stay inside and do nothing.
The hygge life is just as much about being lazy as it is about cozy togetherness. For that reason, hygge is the best thing to happen to moms who hate winter. And I am one of those moms.
This year, I really tried to approach the cold-weather months with an open heart. I stumbled on a Norwegian proverb, “There is no bad weather, only bad clothes.” I spent all of October rummaging through thrift stores in search of snow pants, gloves, hats and boots for each of my kids. I made plans for winter hikes and ice-skating and building snowmen. I was all in.
Last week, when we got a few inches of snow, I bundled each of my kids up in their winter paraphernalia. I started sweating as I shoved miniature fingers into miniature mittens. I may have shouted, "Just keep your hat on!" more than once. I considered bailing on the entire operation, but I gave myself a pep talk and we all made our way into the great outdoors. There were snow angels and snow day selfies. It was magical, really. Until someone got snow in their boots 10 minutes in and started freaking out. (It was me.)
That was when I got it. A light bulb came on for me when I realized that I could choose laziness without guilt. I could choose hygge. I could throw off our snow pants, bury them deep in our laundry room and stay inside all winter long. In the name of hygge, I could take any so-called "lazy" parenting practice and turn it into a practice of cozy togetherness. In fact, I've been inspired by the Danes to create a few hyggeligt traditions of my own. Like so:
God nat brinner: the hyggeligt practice of opting for breakfast for dinner instead of cooking a "real meal"
Gå væk: the tradition of spending absurd amounts of time alone basking in your introversion and saying no to any obligation that seems annoying or uncomfortable
Jeg elsker dig television: the love of TV, or piling your kids on the couch with a mound of blankets and calling it "cozy television"
Jeg er allergisk over for udendørs: a winter-long hiatus from outdoor activities, observed primarily by Midwest families who dislike the cold
Alle dag pyjamas: leaving your kids in their pajamas all day long
Brød brød brød: That warm feeling you get when you eat mostly bread during the cold winter months; see also: carb loading
So Denmark, darling, I suppose I have you to thank for my new lease on life. This winter, thanks to you, I’m embracing all the hygge my heart desires in the form of a lot of reading on the couch and long naps in the afternoon. You may call it laziness, but I’m calling it my winter of living Danishly.
As any woman who has been in a heterosexual relationship knows, birth control is almost always our responsibility, despite its benefits to all parties involved.
A quick Google search reveals that despite men typically being the wearers of condoms, women are often the ones to initiate and encourage condom usage. Fortunately, a new form of birth control known as Vasalgel is trying to lift the undue burden of birth control from women’s shoulders and distribute the weight more evenly to male partners.
Vasalgel is “a long-acting, non-hormonal contraceptive” for men, but unlike more permanent forms of male birth control, such as a vasectomy, Vasalgel is reversible. The male birth control is a literal gel that is injected into a man’s vas deferens, the same place that is cut in a vasectomy.
Once injected, Vasalgel fills the vas deferens and acts as a wall to outgoing sperm. Research has found that sperm are too big to get through gaps in the vas deferens, which leads to the sperm being “reabsorbed” by the man’s body. Vasalgel still allows for ejaculation; it just subtracts sperm from the equation. If and when a man wants to get rid of Vasalgel, he can go in for a procedure that will remove the gel blockage.
Clinical studies of Vasalgel on animals have proven highly effective, causing little change to the animals’ vas deferens and blocking sperm. This year, Vasalgel is expected to start its first human trial, which will last about six months. India is already slightly ahead of the curve with RISUG, a reversible male contraceptive that works similarly to Vasalgel, but is currently only available to men in India. Elaine Lissner, executive director of the Parsemus Foundation, the organization behind Vasalgel, predicts that by 2018, Vasalgel will be available to men in North America and Europe.
Besides taking some of the responsibility off women sexually, Vasalgel also provides an alternative to women who don’t wish to use hormonal birth control. Many women forgo hormonal birth control because they’ve had adverse reactions to the hormones or because they don’t have access to hormonal contraceptives. Side effects of hormonal birth control can be incredibly debilitating, and lack of access and information regarding birth control leads to increased risk of accidental pregnancies. An increase in the number and availability of birth control options can begin to remedy this.
I know yelling is bad, yet every day I have a difficult time controlling my temper and muzzling my dragon mouth. It’s my greatest flaw as a parent, and has the potential to have a lasting, terrible impact on my children.
The first step on my path to regaining my parental zen (hopefully) has been to take a hard, honest look at what sets me off and contemplate ways to avoid my anger triggers.
I yell when I'm overwhelmed
My eldest is asking for her eighth snack of the morning, my youngest has a poopy diaper, I just smushed my toes into a banana someone tossed on the floor, and the dryer buzzer is blaring. None of these things individually would set me off, but all of them together is a formula for strained vocal cords. Life with children follows Murphy’s Law with unfailing precision.
Sometimes, I’m just overwhelmed. I need to take a breath, count to 10, give myself a time out. It’s easier said than done, because yelling is an instant release, the anxiety is spewing out of me with each shouted phrase. I’m still learning how to take a pause, wipe the banana from my foot, and calmly explain that I need a minute before I track down the granola bars.
I yell when I'm running late
I have a pathological need to be early. Maybe it’s hardwired in my DNA, but when I’m running late for school, ballet practice, or even a playdate, every little setback sends my anxiety levels through the roof. My eldest can’t find her shoes. My youngest took off her socks. I lost my keys. Yelling in the mornings seems inevitable.
I know that being late to school on occasion will have minimal impact on my daughters’ education – certainly less than yelling at them to hurry the hell up. But being late to school means I will be late to work, and for reasons I can’t understand, the thought of not arriving on time puts my stomach in knots.
Three things have helped minimize my morning roaring: Doing more the night before, getting up earlier, and practicing better time management. If I lay out everyone’s outfits, set up the coffee maker, and assemble lunches in the evening, I won’t be as rushed in the morning, especially if I get up early. Better time management for me doesn’t mean doing things faster, it means NOT doing them. I leave the breakfast dishes for last because if we’re running behind, I can let them molder on the counter until I get home in the afternoon. If I do them earlier in the morning, it means I’m rushing through things that must be done to actually leave the house, like putting on shoes and finding those damn keys (Still working on that one).
My best friend jokes that I’m easy going as long as I’m not hungry, tired, cold or hot. I would extend this to include needing to pee or take a shower, two things that were never a luxury until I had children.
As selfish as it sounds, I’m a bad mother when I take care of my children’s needs before my own. Despite knowing that I will erupt with the reliability of Old Faithful when my blood sugar dips, I still want to make my kids a snack before I make mine. It’s hard to tell a whining toddler, "Just a minute, Mommy needs this spoonful of peanut butter before she can make a grilled cheese and cut it into fanciful shapes." My girls and I all seem to suffer from the same hypoglycemic rage, so my best bet is to just run a tight schedule of meals and snacks for us all. As for everything else, sometimes I just have to tell my girls, "Mommy needs to go to the bathroom/rest/etc." You may be surprised to find that your young child empathizes with your needs. Unlike paying taxes or worrying about data overages, the urge to poop is relatable.
I yell when I'm mad at someone else
Be it my husband, my boss, the rude person at the checkout line – when someone sets me on edge, I end up taking out my frustration on my kids. The same internal coping mechanism that keeps me from screaming at complete strangers – who probably deserve it – is missing when it comes to my children. The social filter is off and sometimes it’s a real struggle to put it back on. Since they will learn from me how to respond to everyday annoyances and frustrations, I know I need to simmer down.
I yell when they yell
Nothing will bring out my dragon side like the sound of a kid yelling. I can take crying and even whining to some extent, but yelling does me in every time. Yes, I know they learned it from me – just as I learned it from my father– which is exactly why I find it so upsetting. A screaming kid is proof positive of my failure as a parent.
I know I have an obligation to lead by example and teach my girls not to yell. When my kids are yelling I explain to them that it makes me want to yell too. That usually brings the volume down in a hurry. Apparently, lowering your voice has a bigger impact with kids than raising it. I was amazed when it worked, but I have a feeling I looked like a screaming mime.
I hope that by learning why I yell, I can minimize the number of times I lose it in an hour, then maybe a day, and, dare I dream, a week. I can’t helping being in a bad mood sometimes, which is why I’ll probably always snap at them when they don’t deserve it.
Yes, sometimes, parenting requires a harsh voice. If your kid is barreling into traffic, go ahead and scream. Feel free to let out a little extra frustration once you’ve swooped in like Wonder Woman and plucked the little one from the path of a mammoth SUV. Not even the most judgmental among us will fault you.
I'm afraid of of pets – very afraid. This is difficult for several reasons. The first being that there are animals everywhere. My backyard aligns with a patch of woods, and at any moment you might turn around to find a bunny sizing you up from across the lawn. Then there are the hamsters in elementary school classrooms, petting zoos, a friend’s new puppy, the neighbor who doesn’t like leashes, and pigeons everywhere. I'm telling you, it is a minefield out there for people like me, and animal lovers will never truly understand that.
And I mean that – they really don’t. Some go so far as to hate me, if not blatantly, then at least covertly and on the internet. In their minds, “She's afraid of animals” gets translated to “She hates animals,” and from there it’s only a small leap to “She is a cold and heartless individual with no love for anything adorable.” This is not me being paranoid. How many memes have we seen about people who don't like animals being assholes or not having souls?
In the haters’ defense, I guess it does seem kind of weird to be like, “Back the fuck off with your precious fluffy kitten!” But I don’t know. I'm 44 years old, and it is what it is at this point. And I guess that is what I really need to tell the rest of the pet owners out there.
Not the ones who know me well enough to just deal with me, and not the ones who hate me. I speak here of the ones who believe they can cure my fear in much the same way as those Christian fundamentalists aim to “cure” homosexuality. The following are some of the things they might say with the best of intentions, but always, always with the worst of results.
“He won’t hurt you.” It's as if these words get scrambled on the way into my brain, so that what I actually hear is, “He hasn’t bitten or viciously mauled anyone yet today.” Just look up the word “animal” on Thesaurus.com. Some synonyms include: beastly, brute, feral, wild, untamed. Antonyms? Gentle. Mild.
Egads.
“They can smell fear.” Oh, well that’s fucking perfect. Let me just take my fear off and stick it in my purse then. Or better yet, I’ll run out and leave it in the car. I can’t imagine why I brought it in with me in the first place! Listen, I am perfectly aware that animals can smell fear and why do you not understand that this makes me even more afraid?
“Just pet him!” This one usually only comes from dog owners, and I hate it because either way, no one wins. If I don’t pet the dog, then I'm snubbing the person’s four-legged baby, which I do understand is just as offensive as snubbing a person’s human baby. Not only that, but I'm now considered to be inflexible, uncooperative and generally no fun.
On the other hand, if I do pet the damn dog, I risk offending its owner just as much as if I’d refused. Mainly because of the way I look while petting a domestic animal, which is similar to the way anyone else looks while petting a pterodactyl, hesitant with absolutely no trace of affection. Only now, I have heart palpitations, and I've led the animal to believe that I want to be its friend, and that further petting might ensue at any moment. Now little Spike or Sammy or Sunshine will not leave my side. It gets awkward very quickly.
“You’ll like my dog.” I feel bad about this, I do, but no. I will not ever like any dog. Still, it also makes me kind of mad. I wouldn’t find out that someone is violently afraid of heights and immediately say, "No, no, no, you’ll like the rooftop terrace of my skyscraper!" "Oh, you say you’re agoraphobic? Come on, what’s to be afraid of, you’ll have fun at my party. " "Terrified of clowns? That’s just because you haven’t met the ones at my circus!"
But it's OK, I at least have David Sedaris on my side. When I met him at a book signing and I mentioned I didn't have pets he replied, "Good for you. Who needs pets? We have nature – that should be enough." So at least someone understand how I feel.
Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are easily one of Hollywood's hottest power couples and their recent appearance on the 2017 Golden Globes red carpet proves it. During a recent interview on The Late Late Show with James Corden, Biel opened up about the beginning of their relationship and revealed that they actually waited a while to share their first.
"We didn't kiss for a very long time, because he was on tour and we were talking on the phone like normal pre-teens do," Biel said. "We were just chatting on the phone for hours, so we never really kissed for a very long time."
The superstar pair started dating back in 2007. Biel also revealed on the show that she had an inkling Timberlake would end up being her husband before they got engaged.
"I have this email that's really funny that I sent to my producing partner Michelle, actually, and it literally is like, 'Ok, I can't make that meeting, so we'll have to cancel. Also, I know I'm going to marry this man. You can't tell anybody but your husband,'" Biel revealed. "I have no idea why I wrote that email. I don't know what he did that day."
As we know, Biel's prediction came true! She and JT got married back in October 2012. They welcomed their first child, Silas, in April 2015.
During her interview on The Late Late Show, Biel also talked about the funny nicknames she had growing up.
"I had a couple. One I think honestly was just 'cause it rhymed. My mom called me Messy Jessie. I don't think I was really messy. I think I was pretty clean," Biel said. "But there was another one: Never-Miss-A-Meal Biel. That's still true."
We're glad to hear this actress really is just like us.
It's no secret that Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump are not friends, as the two have feuded publicly for years. In some of her most recent tweets against Trump, O'Donnell suggests using martial law to delay Trump's inauguration.
"I fully supporting martial law - delaying the inauguration - until Trump is 'cleared' of all charges," O'Donnell wrote on Twitter. She posted this along with a retweet that read, "How about imposition of Martial Law until Trump is cleared of all allegations?"
FULLY SUPPORT IMPOSING MARTIAL LAW - DELAYING THE INAUG
FULLY SUPPORT IMPOSING MARTIAL LAW - DELAYING THE INAUG
She also posted a tweet that read, "For Gods sake - delay the inauguration - Keith how can we make this happen," along with a retweet of Keith Olbermann.
FOR GODS SAKE - DELAY THE INAUGURATION - KEITH HOW CAN
FOR GODS SAKE - DELAY THE INAUGURATION - KEITH HOW CAN
The tweets appeared to be in response to U.S. intelligence agencies reportedly concluding that Russia interfered in the presidential election to help Trump, as well as reports that Moscow may have sought to compromise him. Despite allegations, there are currently no charges against Trump.
“I am Black, kinky and seriously considering leaving The Life.”
I think about these words now from where I've been commanded to be on my knees, hands on my thighs, completely still. I am rarely ever still. There is always one more thing to do, another task I start to think of while pretending to relax. My feelings of gratitude to this man for seeing this, for taking the time to help me conquer my racing brain, give way to thoughts of how I thought I could live without this.
I wrote those words with foolish assuredness and a gnawing pain I didn’t want to acknowledge. I wrote them thinking of my near-girlfriend asking me softly, “I love you... why do you want me to hurt you?"
The shame I felt then could overtake me now in this moment with him. She was asking the question that haunted me since I became cognizant of all the ways I was different: What is wrong with me?
Raised by strict, traditional parents in a community of equally traditional immigrants, my sexuality never looked like anyone’s I knew. I have been pansexual as long as I have been able to understand “like” and kinky before I knew there were words for it. But I am black and a woman – the world cannot seem to process these identities next to which I am sexually.
And yet here I am, on my knees learning to be still, at his command, finally open and vulnerable enough with someone and myself to admit that this isn't just a passing interest in “roughness.”
No, this is how my sexuality works and manifests: I am what is known in the BDSM community as a "switch" – someone who can be either submissive or dominant, though I much prefer to be led. I have accepted it. Finding someone else who does has been harder, and it is constantly testing what I embrace in myself.
When I wrote those words, I knew it wasn't BDSM that was the problem. The ridiculous expectations and perceptions of black female sexuality and BDSM itself are the issues. The problem is in how we are so often seen by everyone as aggressive and domineering, and how racist images of us as sassy, fast-talking nannies who take no direction or lip have overshadowed who we are as people, even when we scream it.
The problem is also in how black men demand I respect myself enough to want a sexuality they approve of, and in how white men refuse to see me as who I say I am. Like so many black women subs, I was constantly approached by white men in "The Life" who wanted to be submissive for me, though I’d made it clear I wanted a Dom/domme. It even happened on dating sites where I chose not to disclose an interest in BDSM. On OKCupid, for example, I was approached once a day with white men asking for a “strong, black woman” to dominate them or an “angry Black goddess” to humiliate them.
Who I actually am doesn't factor into how they have been told black women are, which is the problem. Often, when dating black men I found my sexuality snatched away from me. I was smart, college educated. Surely I was respectable enough to be afraid of my body and desires. After confessing my desire for BDSM to another black male partner and seeing the respect die in his eyes, I realized maybe men wouldn’t know how to respect me as a person if I let them dominate me.
I thought I would have to learn to leave kink behind, that I could only find someone to love me without the kink, or love the kink without me, but not both.
Still, they were better than the Dom/dommes and couples who wanted to humiliate me as a way of engaging in racist fantasies of violating and harming black women, without concern for my/our boundaries or safety. Navigating kink and seeing only white women lovingly collared while confronted with images of black submissives of all genders being brutalized left me afraid the kind of D/s relationship I wanted was just not available to me.
Feeling out of place in kink, I have tried to suppress who I am but dating "vanilla" left me only frustrated or ashamed.
In my brief experiences as a sub I have never felt more deliciously myself. I was empowered while on my knees. When I lamented about my situation over and over again, I heard the same thing from other black women – they all shared the same feeling of being unacceptable outside of kink, yet unrecognized in The Life.
But this is who we are.
And this is me taking a chance on being truly fulfilled. I am choosing to be with someone who challenges me to be my best self and to live authentically, even if it means disturbing established notions of black sexuality.
Who knows if queer, kinky little black girls get their happy endings? If any girl ever does, really. In the interim I am just learning to kneel and be still, to live honestly, and to rise from the bed I share, empowered and affirmed.
I am black, kinky, and both unable and unwilling to leave The Life.
Parenting is tough enough when both parents live under the same roof and are on the same page most (or at least some) of the time. When a couple is living separate lives but still needs to remain in contact because they have kids, the potential for debate and disharmony is huge.
I'd like to think I've finally nailed the co-parenting thing, but it's taken four years — and for much of that time, it was nothing short of a nightmare. In the interest of remaining on good terms with my ex-husband, I'll spare you the details, but I'll never forget how difficult it was when we first separated.
Every divorce, like every marriage, is different. But there are a few things all divorced parents should bear in mind. Here are my seven commandments of parenting post-divorce.
1. Never talk badly about the other parent
This can be a big ask if the other parent was/is a lying, cheating asshole. But they're still your child's parent. "Your child is a product of both of you, and a put-down of the other parent is a put-down of your child," said Dr. Melanie English, a Seattle-based psychologist who has worked with children of divorce for 18 years. "Even if you don't love the other parent anymore, your child will want to (and need to) love that parent." That doesn't mean you have to bottle up your feelings, however. Speak to your friends or a therapist. Oh, and don't leave your smartphone lying around, or at the very least make sure it's passcode-protected. Our media-savvy kids have a way of accessing text message and email threads you'd rather they didn't see.
2. Don't put your kids in the middle of any conflict
If the only time you see your ex is during pickups and drop-offs, it's natural for that to be when good intentions go out the window and animosity takes over. "One of the worst things parents can do to their children during or post-divorce is to place them in the middle of their conflict," said psychologist Dr. Becky Miller Updike, who sits on the board of the Center for Out-of-Court Divorce, a nonprofit aiming to change how divorce is handled in regard to the needs of children with an interdisciplinary, child-focused and less adversarial approach. "Whether or not parents do this intentionally, toxic and stressful environments can have negative impacts on a child’s trust, relationships and overall physical, mental and emotional well-being," she says. If you really can't keep a lid on your temper when you see your ex, arrange for a third party to facilitate pickups and drop-offs until things get easier.
3. Don't quiz your kids about life with the other parent
Curiosity about your ex's new life is perfectly normal, but your child should never have to play messenger. If you're constantly firing questions at them about life at their other parent's house, they'll quickly become exhausted and may even close up completely. "Parents need to set up rules, goals or mechanisms on how they will communicate with one another about life at the other parent’s house, and this includes bedtimes, rules, discipline, routines and diet," said English. "If you're doing this, you won’t need to quiz your children because you will know how to communicate any questions or concerns with the other parent, and you will know their rules and schedule at their house." If you're not yet able to talk to your ex, either on the phone or face-to-face, there are several websites and smartphone applications to help you exchange information.
My ex-husband and I barely spoke for two years, communicating only via email and using an online calendar. It was often frustrating and definitely more laborious than a quick phone conversation would be, but it allowed us both the space we needed to deal with the situation in our own ways and let our kids simply enjoy the time they spent with both of us.
4. Wait before introducing your kids to a new partner
Children adapt to new situations, but bringing a new partner into the mix too soon can be confusing for them. "They are identifying and clarifying what marriage/long-term relationships mean, and they are grieving a failed relationship already with likely the two most important people in their lives," explained English. "It’s awkward for any age of child — even grown-up children — to see their parent with someone new, so some time is important before actual introductions are made." How long you wait before introducing a new partner depends on the age of your kids, their personalities and how much time has passed since the separation. I waited over four years, but primarily because it took that long to meet someone I could see in my (our) long-term future. Rather than have a fixed timeframe in mind, take it slowly, make sure you're 100 percent sure about the relationship before your kids get involved and be vigilant about paying attention to any warning signs that your children aren't comfortable with the development.
5. Remember to parent
Kids need rules, routines and discipline whether their parents are together or not. "You are not excused from this even if you only have your children on the weekends and have a hard time saying no to them," said English. "Part of parenting is shaping and forming them through expectations, and of course, lots of love and rules and discipline are critical for personal, social and academic development."
6. Look after yourself
It's so important to focus on your own recovery post-divorce — and your children will reap the benefits of this too. "The best way a parent who has experienced divorce can help their children is to make sure they are doing better themselves so that they can be present and engaged," said Miller Updike. As well as taking advantage of professional help if necessary and making time for friends, exercise and relaxation, positive opportunities for self-care with the children should be explored. Cooking with your kids is a great example of a self-care and recovery activity.
7. Don't feel guilty about being happy
Ultimately, your children want you to be happy, so don't feel guilty about showing that you are. Even if your kids are upset initially about the divorce, if they see that their parents are happier apart than they were together, they'll be happier too. Don't go on about how happy you are to be divorced, though. English suggests linking your happiness to your children by using phrases like, "I'm happy there is less stress and drama for you."
There’s a long list of reasons why, but above all else, hormonal changes and fluctuations — especially those that occur during the menstrual cycle and menopause — have a huge impact on a woman’s sleep quality.
For example, the change in a woman’s body temperature during her menstrual cycle can lead to fluctuations in sleep patterns. Generally, body temperature is high during the day and declines around the time a person goes to bed, before hitting its lowest point overnight. According to SRI International’s Sleep Research Laboratory, many women report having a harder time sleeping the week before their period compared to other times throughout the month.
As researchers continue to explore how hormonal changes brought on by menstruation affect women’s ability to sleep, the same question continues to arise: “Can’t birth control pills solve all of these issues?” In theory, birth control pills would eliminate or at least lessen some of the side effects of menstruation, including lessening cramps, lightening the period flow and alleviating acne brought on by hormones.
For some women, the pill can knock out bloating or even shorten their period altogether, both of which could help create a more stable sleep pattern. But on the other hand, being on the pill is similar to having an extended luteal phase — a woman’s body temperature stays elevated for the first two or three days of the placebo.
In a recent study published in the European Journal of Physiology, researchers investigated the effects of oral contraceptives on the body temperature and sleep quality of young women. It was determined that body temperature was raised over the course of 24 hours in young women who were taking oral contraceptives in the active phase.
The women taking oral contraceptives in the placebo phase also experienced raised body temperatures, indicating the prolonged action of synthetic reproductive steroids on body temperature. The women taking oral contraceptives had more stage-2 nonrapid eye movement sleep during the luteal phase, as compared to the naturally cycling women in the study, who were able to reach the deepest level of non-REM sleep, slow wave sleep. Thus, the study concludes that oral contraceptives influence both body temperature and sleep patterns in young women.
Long after menstruation is over and a woman’s body has moved into perimenopause or even menopause, it has been proven that hormonal changes and fluctuations such as hot flashes and mood disorders can continue to dictate the amount of sleep a woman gets each night.
No matter the age of the woman, it is a good idea for her to be aware that menstruation — or the lack thereof — can have lasting side effects.
The Mars/Saturn square on Jan. 19 will bring out all your fight or flight tendencies, but given the watery nature of Mars in Pisces, the impulse will be to flee the scene. It appears as though you are faced with some kind of unappealing task. Maybe you're being asked to stand up on somebody else's behalf or to call a superior on his bad attitude, or maybe you're the sole voice of conscience in a room of chirping crickets. In any case, it's time to step up to the plate and to say and do what others won't. You don't have to make a stink. You don't have to make a scene. You just have to do what's right because if you don't, it will only get harder in the weeks to come.
{pageBreak}
Image: SheKnows
It looks like there's a spat or argument you can't walk away from. Maybe what was said was deeply offensive, it hit a raw nerve or you can't abide the injustice. We live in pretty angry times, and people's voices are growing shriller by the minute. But what if what's being asked of you isn't a call to arms but an invitation to channel your anger into something constructive? This is the challenge of the Mars/Saturn square on Jan. 19. It's easy to tear down and act out — much more difficult to create. Be one of those who bring light rather than heat to the situation.
It can be awkward when someone you know professionally — maybe it's your employer or client — suddenly drops her mask and starts conversing with you more intimately. Don't worry. This isn't a TMI thing where she winds up revealing more than you would ever care to know. It's more along the lines of sharing private thoughts, hopes and reflections. You could respond with pat answers, but it would be a shame to sidestep a rare opportunity to get to know the person who signs your paycheck. Business isn't always about the almighty dollar. Success and sustainability draws from the most precious capital of all — people.
They say that success has many friends while failure has none, and that's exactly what you're experiencing now. Recent gains have put you over the top in your field or area of expertise, which is why you have so many people offering you advice, tips and words to the wise. Suddenly, everyone's invested in you in ways they never were before. It's surprising how winning doesn't really bring the freedom you think it will. Oftentimes, it only raises the expectations and increases the pressure to outperform yourself. Nevertheless, it's better to win than lose, which means you'll find a way to handle it all.
Sometimes, we focus so much on the way things should be that we miss out on what we have. Maybe you want a more supportive boyfriend, a kick-ass co-worker or a less self-absorbed friend. But if you look back at the history you share, you'll see that he or she has been there all along. It might not be in the way you think you want, but they were there in the way you needed them to be. Take a moment to change the track you've got playing in your head. The people in your life are perfect for who you are right now.
Life is always more challenging when the sun is in Aquarius. This is when the sun — your planetary ruler — is furthest away from where it was in the sky when you were born. It's why you feel so lost, depleted and like everything is an exercise in futility. The best way to handle this cosmic energy is to go with the flow. Let yourself meander the halls, be in a daze or bury your head beneath the pillows. Opposite times of year are when we are "out of season," but trust that your mood will pick up — probably as soon as Jan 27.
It's hard watching a loved one make the same mistakes. Every time it looks like he's finally figured things out, he goes and makes the same boneheaded decision. It's particularly exasperating as a Virgo because not only have you listed carefully researched action steps, you've printed them out in triplicate. Nevertheless, experience is the best teacher, which is why you must step out of the way. Conventional wisdom says that given enough time, people will eventually hit upon the right answer, but more often than not, it's only when they become so sick and tired of being sick and tired that they try something new.
It feels like people just don't get what you're about. Maybe it's the friend who responds to your problems with the same advice, the manager who wants you to stick to the tried and true or the client who likes you but just doesn't buy your vision. It can feel like you're banging your head against the wall, but how about embracing this as a challenge from the stars to articulate your vision, to get people excited about what you can do and win them over? It will take some charm, persuasion and even razzle-dazzle — but if anyone's got that on tap, it's you.
You don't like being treated scornfully or high-handedly. It makes you want to retaliate by knocking this person off her high horse and telling her a thing or two. However, this is one of those moments when the party who truly wins is the one who shows the most restraint, clemency and grace under pressure. It's a tall order in a world overrun by tweet rage. Nevertheless, being the bigger person is the way to go, and it will win you the respect and admiration of the right people. This matters more than getting back at the person who dissed you.
Are you being a jerk? It's a question worth asking this week. Usually, you're laid-back and easygoing. Sagittarians are known for shrugging off slights like water off a duck's back. However, Saturn has made you humorless lately, a stickler for the rules (which is so unlike you) and even a bit of a hard-ass. This will come out in an unpleasant encounter on the 19th when you decide to teach a loved one or friend a lesson. Take a moment and ask if this sounds like the real you? Maybe the person who needs to reintroduce some more flexibility and tolerance is you.
Your grievances may be right, but the time for airing them is wrong. This is something that you're going to have to pay attention to on Jan. 19 when Mars squares Saturn. Saturn currently resides in that part of your solar chart that pertains to self-undoing. This means that you are in danger of shooting yourself in the foot right when you're about to take a major step forward. Don't do it! You think it's injustice that prompts you to speak up, but it's actually hurt feelings and maybe even wounded pride. Leave things alone for now. Time will take the sting out.
Everyone seems to be down in the dumps, under the weather or hell-bent on being snarky — but not you. The sun enters your zodiac sign on Jan. 19, which means that you are coming into your time of year. You've waited 365 days for this, and nothing's going to spoil the next four weeks. You feel motivated, inspired and on top of your game. Indeed, you'll be feeling so good that you won't be derailed by stressful financial news. Friends may look at you like you're crazy as you wave it all away, but you know it won't amount to much. And guess what? You're right.
You'll want to pick up your toys and depart the sandbox in a huff when Mars squares Saturn on Jan. 19. Nevertheless, you might rethink that move. Yes, you've been feeling overworked and underpaid, but that's pretty much what's going on right across the board. Your superiors, clients and customers are feeling the pinch too. The truth is you are due for a raise or some kind of bonus, but now's not the time to ask for it. Not with Saturn, the planet of trials and tribulations, leaning so heavily on your horoscope. Wait until late spring and you'll be rewarded for everything you do.
I’ve never been big on hugging, and especially not with people I don’t know very, very well. My girlfriends always kid with me about it. You’d think avoiding unwanted touching would be something a person could do easily. Well, it’s a lot like my theory that dogs can sense when someone doesn’t like them, and they sniff and pester that one particular person relentlessly. I’ve had a number of occasions where I was the recipient of unwanted physical attention — and worse yet, it was in the workplace.
It started when I worked as a 25-year old installment loan manager at a bank. The branch manager, who was 30ish, cute and married to a gorgeous woman, came up behind me one day and gave me a big hug from behind. I was standing at a file cabinet filing a folder, right in the middle of the bank after hours, and it really took me by surprise. What do you do or say to your boss in that situation?
I was young, shy and married, and so flustered that I didn’t say anything.
The same guy, a year or two later, had the nerve to say something to me about not “falling for him” because he was married. OK, in your dreams. It never occurred to me.
When I quit that job and asked him to write me a reference letter, he did. I’d always gotten good performance reviews, had been promoted several times and we got along well, so I expected a positive recommendation to use throughout my career. But he wrote such a sarcastic, obnoxious letter that it was worthless.
For some reason, I’ve kept it all these years. I pull it out once in a while and ask myself why in the world a person would do something mean like that. I saw on LinkedIn that he recently retired as CEO of a bank in another city, and I really wish I could have sent a copy of that reference letter to him and asked that question. He should be ashamed.
About twenty years ago, I was a bank branch manager. One day, the regional vice president (a short, squatty man whose management style was fear and intimidation) stopped at my branch drunk as a skunk in the late afternoon after a round of golf with some customers. The tellers finished their work and drove off, but he said he wanted to talk to me about promoting one of the tellers.
Ever the dutiful employee, I let him get into the passenger seat of my car in the parking lot to “talk,” but he kept grabbing me – telling me he wanted to be “special friends” with me, etc. It was revolting – but you don’t want to make the top dog mad. About an hour later, I finally pushed him out of my car – my virtue intact – and drove home, shaking and wanting to throw up. My husband wasn’t happy either when I told him.
On Monday morning, the boss called me first thing and threatened me not to tell anyone about the “misunderstanding” the previous Friday. Apparently he realized his folly when he got home to his wife and daughters, and sobered up. I didn’t go into detail, but I did warn all the tellers (females who were younger than I was) to never let themselves be caught alone with that man. They knew he’d been drunk the previous Friday and could figure out what happened.
Another time, the janitor where I worked used to talk to me for five minutes or so every day when he cleaned my cubicle. He seemed like a fairly normal man, and he liked to tell me how he was going to get a big lawsuit settlement and quit his job soon. Well, about two weeks before the last day of work he was so eagerly anticipating, he came into my cubicle, backed me against the wall, and gave me a big “good-bye” kiss – right on the lips. I was horrified – for many reasons.
For the next two weeks, when I heard him coming my way every afternoon, I had to run out of my cubicle and hang out in somebody else’s for 20 minutes until he’d passed through the area.
In another job, a man I knew socially from work (and formerly liked) was brought in to be supervisor in our department. All I can say is it was a terrible experience for all of the employees because he wasn’t right for the job at all, but we tried our best to be nice to him.
One day, out of the blue, he walked up to me in the middle of a room full of cubicles and gave me a smile and a huge front-facing super hug. I could feel his soft, squishy body pressed up against mine and it was just gross.
I told my coworker and friend about it and she commiserated, but also laughed! A few days later, the supervisor hugged me again! And my friend yelled over, “Get a room, you guys!” This time, I was able to put my hand up at chest level, attempting to minimize the body-to-body experience. Mercifully, the manager was transferred to another department shortly after that.
How does this keep happening? I’m not flirtatious, not gorgeous – I'm just a hard worker who wants to do a good job. Is it ego or stupidity that causes men to act like that? In my case, I believe that only the bank vice president had evil intentions, and the other guys were just clueless idiots who, in their warped little minds, must have thought (for some crazy reason) that I would welcome their attention.
I realize now that each of these situations was a case of sexual harassment. Fortunately, none of the incidents continued over a long period of time.
I have a graduate degree and was in a professional position each time these events occurred, but it’s pretty hard to say something to a person who’s your supervisor – or in the janitor’s case – someone who would probably lose his job over it. You don’t want to make a boss mad or he can hurt your career and make your life a living hell.
It’s great that people in the workforce today are more aware of sexual harassment and organizations take steps to prevent it, but it still happens — and not just to minimum-wage employees, like I used to think. The huggy manager completed mandatory Prevention of Sexual Harassment training annually for years before getting too friendly with me.
Don't worry, Lucasfilm respects Carrie Fisher's legacy way too much to digitally re-create her iconic character Princess Leia in future Star Wars films.
In a statement, the production company addressed the rumors about Leia's future in the franchise following Fisher's death at the end of December.
"We don’t normally respond to fan or press speculation, but there is a rumor circulating that we would like to address," Lucasfilm said in a statement posted on the Star Wars website. "We want to assure our fans that Lucasfilm has no plans to digitally recreate Carrie Fisher’s performance as Princess or General Leia Organa.
"Carrie Fisher was, is, and always will be a part of the Lucasfilm family. She was our princess, our general, and more importantly, our friend. We are still hurting from her loss. We cherish her memory and legacy as Princess Leia, and will always strive to honor everything she gave to Star Wars."
Fisher was rumored to play a big part in the upcoming films for the franchise, Episodes 8 and 9. Following her death, however, it was unclear how the franchise intended to reconcile her death. She had reportedly already finished filming her scenes for Episode 8, Huffington Post reports.
While this statement doesn't rule out the option the films have to recast her role, I'm guessing that's also out of the question, considering there is no Princess Leia if Carrie Fisher is not portraying her.
