On June 25, Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman will celebrate 11 years of marriage. That's no small feat, especially in Hollywood, and I don't mean to diminish the significance of staying married (and by all appearances, happily married) for over a decade.
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That said, I think we'd be remiss if we didn't celebrate another milestone — one that goes back a hell of a lot further than 11 years. Guys, Keith Urban has had the exact same flat-ironed, highlighted, soccer-mom haircut for at least 30 years.
He has committed to this hair, and while it's not unusual for a man to just stick to one hairstyle for his whole life, it's rarely this hairstyle. You see, Keith Urban hasn't committed to a shaved head or a basic brush cut. He's committed to a sultry, provocative, some might say slightly feminine hairstyle, and he's done so for decades. Decades!
And while I'll readily admit to feeling bewildered by the style itself, I love that he's embraced it so wholeheartedly. I love the fact that Keith Urban has decided that this is him. His best self. I'll be honest with you; I don't know if I'll ever feel the confidence that Keith Urban feels while strutting around with sassy suburban mom hair. That's something worth celebrating. How? Why by cataloging the evolution of the hair, of course.
Behold, exhibit A:
Keith Urban Hair
Yes, friends. That's a fresh young 16-year-old Keith Urban crooning away on an Australian TV show.
And look at it. It's beyond debate. That is the exact same hairstyle Keith Urban rocks to this day.
Don't believe me? Here. Exhibit B:
Keith Urban in 2005 still singing, still rocking his signature hairstyle. He's lost the bangs and gone for some highlights, but otherwise, the look remains unchanged.
Oh, what's this? Exhibit C:
Keith Urban, a week before he and Kidman got married. The mullet is less obvious. It's now more of a slow taper from front to back, but still. Still. Kidman knows she's found a keeper because dude has stayed faithful to a goddamned haircut for, like, 15 years already. She knows he ain't the cheating kind.
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Oh, what? Hi, exhibit D!
Urban and Kidman are married now, and Urban has done away with the highlights, choosing instead a deep chocolaty brown, and I have to say, he looks really happy about the change. But despite the color, the definitive Keith Urban hair shape remains. Face-framing layers in the front, fluttery mullet-esque feathers in the back.
Exhibit E:
It's 2008. Stock markets are crashing. The world is panicking. But not our boy Keith Urban. I'm going to presume that Urban has discovered the round brush, and thus, he's begun to style the front parts of his hair into smooth brackets bordering his face. This serves to emphasize the graceful flipping up of the back area of his hair, also courtesy of the round brush. It's a whole new world.
Now exhibit F:
Here we see Urban with his daughter Sunday Rose. And you know, they say that fatherhood changes a man but one thing it doesn't change is a man's haircut. Well, not this man at least. Here, Urban lacks the flair of highlights or round-brush styling, but damn, when you're a parent of a young child, who has the time, am I right?
On to exhibit G:
Here we are in 2010, 7 years ago. And there's the hair. Virtually unchanged. He's abandoned the round brush for an edgy, flat-ironed look and updated things with some jazzy new highlights, sure. But the essence of the hair — the middle-parted, house-shaped, mullet-but-not-quite-mullet essence lives on.
Exhibit H:
Here, Urban poses with Tiger Woods and John Mayer. (Weird, right? It was some casino event or something, apparently.)
Look how demurely Keith Urban is smiling. He's trying to play it cool because he doesn't want us to know that he knows that he has the best hair in this picture. But he knows. Oh, he knows.
Tiger Woods is grinning like a fool, but that's only because he has no idea how hard he's being schooled in the hair department. And Mayer? Pshhh. Mayer's heartbroken because he thought he'd steal the show with his lackluster mop stuffed under a weird beach hat, but he underestimated the combined power of the hair, the highlights and the flip. Better luck next time, John.
Are we done? Not even close. Look at exhibits I and J:
It's 2012. Urban and Kidman have been married six years. "How's my hair, babe?" he whispers. "Fuck your hair, Keith," she hisses back in her lovely Australian accent.
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On to 2013. I've always appreciated that Urban is confident enough not to let the height difference between himself and Kidman bother him — she always wears heels and never has to do any weird, Katie Holmes-esque slouching beside him. But in saying that, let's also admit that Keith will never let Nicole have nicer hair. Look at his face. So petty. So pretty. So satisfied.
But wait. What's this?
Keith! What the hell! Where is the flip?! Who did this to you?! It's clear that 2014 will be the worst year of Keith Urban's life. He has cut off his mullet, the source of his power. Look at his face. He knows he's made a terrible, terrible mistake. Let's not ever discuss 2014 Keith Urban ever again.
Back to business. Exhibit K:
Here we see a humbled Keith Urban. A Keith Urban brought to his knees by the hair mistake of 2014. A Keith Urban determined to add as much hair to his head as humanly possible. Hence the mustache.
And finally, that brings us to present-day, exhibits L and M:
It's 2016, and Trump's been elected president, but Urban doesn't skip a beat. He just hits that straight iron and hits it hard.
It's 2017.
"Nicole?" Keith whispers.
"Yes, Keith?"
"I have three earrings now. Also, my hair is still better than yours"
"I know, darling. Sshh. I know."