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Japanese home cooking: Where clean eating meets comfort food

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January is the month my appetite sends me mixed messages. On one hand, I am so done with all the rich, sugary, decadent holiday food that I want to run away to a Buddhist temple and live on gently poached vegetables for the rest of the month. On the other hand, winter kicks in for real and I want to eat the food equivalent of a big, cozy down comforter. You know, the opposite of gently poached vegetables.

More: Hearty vegan stews that'll keep you warm all winter

And that's why I turn to Japanese home cooking. Think less sushi and more hot, steaming bowls of udon noodles and fragrant chicken hot pots. Sounds satisfying? Check out these two recipes from celeb chef Masaharu Morimoto's new cookbook, Mastering the Art of Japanese Home Cooking.

Morimoto cookbook
Image: Evan Sung

Nabeyaki udon ("claypot" udon noodle soup) recipe

Morimoto: When I feel November’s first frigid wind, my first thought is, “Maybe it’s time to check on my restaurant in Hawaii.” If I can’t, I know I’ll be okay — after all, there’s always nabeyaki udon. Traditionally served in an earthenware hot pot called a donabe that retains heat really well, the soup is the ultimate cold weather comfort food. Each portion is a meal, thanks to slick, springy udon noodles, chicken, greens, and the strange but wonderful pink-rimmed fish cake called kamaboko. Another classic addition is shrimp tempura, plunked right into the soup to soak up the luscious, egg-enriched broth. For a real treat, use homemade udon noodles that have been boiled, shocked in ice water, and drained well.

Serves 4

Ingredients:

  • 6 cups dashi (dried fish and kelp stock) or kombu dashi (kelp stock)*
  • 1/2 cup mirin (sweet rice wine)*
  • 1/2 cup usukuchi (Japanese light-colored soy sauce)*
  • 2 pounds homemade udon noodles or fresh or frozen precooked udon noodles
  • 1/4 pound boneless chicken thighs, cut into thin bite-size pieces
  • 8 (1/4-inch-thick) half-moon slices kamaboko (Japanese fish cake)
  • 4 medium fresh or rehydrated dried shiitake mushroom caps
  • 4 cups very loosely packed baby spinach, dunked in boiling water then squeezed well
  • 4 cups very loosely packed stemmed shungiku (chrysanthemum greens) or more baby spinach
  • 2 scallions, whites and light green parts, cut into 2x1/2-inch strips
  • 4 large eggs
  • 4 pieces shrimp tempura*
  • Shichimi togarashi (Japanese seven-spice powder) to taste
*Editor: Recipes for dashi are in the cookbook, but you could swap with an equal volume of chicken or vegetable stock. You can also use sweet white wine instead of mirin, regular soy sauce instead of usukuchi and cooked shrimp instead of shrimp tempura. It won't be exactly the same, but it will still taste wonderful.

Directions:

  1. Combine the dashi, mirin and soy sauce in a wide, shallow pot and bring it to a boil over high heat. Add the udon noodles and cook, stirring occasionally, just until the noodle clumps separate, about 2 minutes for fresh noodles and 4 minutes for frozen noodles.
  2. Add the chicken, fish cakes and mushrooms onto the noodles, each ingredient in its own cluster. Reduce the heat to maintain a strong simmer if necessary. Cook, without stirring but turning over the chicken pieces once, until the chicken is cooked through, about 3 minutes. Reduce the heat slightly. Add the spinach, chrysanthemum greens, and scallions onto the noodles, each in its own cluster. Cook just until the greens begin to wilt and the noodles are fully cooked but not mushy, about 1 minute. Add each egg to a different area of the pot, taking care not to break the yolks. Cover the pot and cook until the egg whites have just set and the noodles are fully cooked but not mushy, about 3 minutes. Add the shrimp tempura so it floats on the surface.
  3. Bring the pot to the table along with 4 large bowls and a small dish of the shichimi togarashi for sprinkling.

More: 15 ingredients you need in your pantry to master Japanese cooking

Chikuzenni (chicken simmered with lotus root and bamboo shoots) recipe

chikuzenni
Image: Evan Sung

Morimoto: Once a dish prepared mainly during the first few days of the New Year, chikuzenni is so tasty that it has become everyday food. I know I can’t wait until January to dig into this vegetable-heavy, sauce-less chicken stew. As usual, little more than dashi stock and a couple of pantry ingredients team up to make a humble, healthful collection of ingredients taste special. The most festive versions feature carrots and lotus root carved into cute shapes, but your guests will love yours whether or not your carrots resemble little flowers.

Serves 4 to 6

Ingredients:

  • 1/4 pound vacuum-packed precooked bamboo shoot (takenoko) 
  • 1/4 pound vacuum-packed precooked lotus root (renkon)*
  • 1/2 cup green beans, trimmed, cut (about 1- inch lengths) 
  • 1/2 cup snow peas, trimmed, halved
  • 8 (3- inch long, 1/4-inch-thick) slices drained gray konnyaku (Japanese “yam cake”)*
  • 2 tablespoons toasted sesame oil
  • 3/4 pound boneless chicken thighs, cut into 1-1/2-inch pieces
  • 1-1/2 cups roughly chopped (into irregular 1- inch pieces) peeled carrots
  • 6 medium dried shiitake mushroom caps, rehydrated and quartered
  • 2 cups dashi (dried fish and kelp stock) or kombu dashi* 
  • 1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons Japanese soy sauce
  • 1/4 cup mirin (sweet rice wine)*
  • 2 tablespoons granulated sugar
*Editor: Recipes for dashi are in the cookbook, but you could swap with chicken or vegetable stock. You can also use a sweet white wine instead of mirin. If you can't find lotus root or yam cake, simply omit. It won't be exactly the same, but it will still taste wonderful.

Directions:

  1. Drain the bamboo shoot and lotus root. Trim the bumpy exterior from the base of the bamboo shoot. Cut each into 1/4-inch pieces.
  2. Bring a medium pot of water to a boil. Add the green beans and snow peas and cook for 2 minutes. Scoop them out and rinse them well under cold water. Drain well and transfer to a bowl.
  3. Add the lotus root, bamboo shoot and konnyaku to the boiling water, cook for 1 minute, then drain in a colander.
  4. Combine the sesame oil and chicken in a large skillet and set it over medium-high heat. Cook, stirring occasionally, just until the chicken is no longer pink on the outside, about 3 minutes.
  5. Add the lotus root, bamboo shoot, konnyaku, carrots and mushrooms and cook, stirring, for 1 minute. Add the dashi, let it come to a boil and cook for 3 minutes. Stir in the soy sauce, mirin and sugar and bring to a boil. Cook at a boil, tossing occasionally, until the liquid has completely evaporated, about 20 minutes.
  6. Add the green beans and snow peas, toss well, and transfer to bowls. Let the dish cool slightly before serving. It keeps in an airtight container in the fridge for up to 3 days.

Before you go, check out our slideshow below.

25 Japanese recipes easy enough to make at home
Image: Curious Nut

Emerald City highlights the problem with primetime television

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Let me start by saying I love prime-time comedies. Modern Family, New Girl, The Big Bang Theory and the like kill it in their time slots. But drama just can't seem to quite get there lately on any of the major networks.

More: January is full of TV premieres — 21 to be exact

Unfortunately, Emerald City seems to fall into that category. It's almost there. It's so close to success but, for whatever reason, just doesn't quite get there.

I wanted to love it. I really, really did. The premise was intriguing, and director Tarsem Singh is an absolute visionary of epic proportions.

Maybe the problem is that Wizard of Oz has simply been reimagined too many times at this point. Maybe it's because part of me feels like this series is trying too hard to be the new, edgier Once Upon a Time. Maybe it's that Emerald City wanted to be gritty à la an HBO show but was forced to rein it in because it is, instead, on NBC.

Whatever the reason, I just wasn't captivated, hanging on the edge of my seat for more.

I'm a big believer that new shows deserve at least a four-episode window to get their act together, so I'll still be watching Emerald City, keeping my fingers crossed.

More: 2016 was full of TV moments that we still can't wrap our heads around

The show definitely does have some things going for it. It's suspenseful and creepy. The story is not something we've ever seen before, even though it's taking its cues from the Wizard of Oz. The cast is beautifully diverse, which we desperately need on television. The witch of the East was awesome, and saying that doesn't even do her justice. Maybe most importantly, Emerald City already has fans rooting for it to succeed, me included.

emerald city twitter reaction 1

emerald city twitter reaction 1

emerald city twitter reaction 2

emerald city twitter reaction 2

emerald city twitter reaction 3

emerald city twitter reaction 3

emerald city twitter reaction 4

emerald city twitter reaction 4

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emerald city twitter reaction 5

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emerald city twitter reaction 6

Do you think Emerald City will pick up as the season progresses?

More: Speechless & 17 other shows that prove family sitcoms have changed for the better

Before you go, check out our slideshow below.

tv shows zodiac slideshow
Image: Terese Condella/SheKnows

Everything you need to know about the new noise anxiety medication for dogs

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As more and more reports roll in of city shelters inundated with dogs that ran away due to the noise from New Year's Eve fireworks, it's no wonder the first FDA-approved noise anxiety drug for dogs is gaining in popularity. Sileo, approved by the FDA in May 2016, promises to ease your dog's noise anxiety for a few hours.

More: 7 tips to keep your pet's anxiety low during the holidays

Unfortunately, it doesn't come without its risks, and what vets are saying will probably make you think twice before trying it out on your anxious pooch.

The danger of Sileo

While Sileo seems to offer the ideal quick-fix for your nervous pet, vets are warning homeowners to think twice before using it without vet assistance.

In an interview with ABC Action News, Dr. Christy Layton of Timberlane Pet Hospital and Resort in Plant City, Florida, explained why Sileo may be calming dogs, but it's only giving vets reason to be anxious.

"We use it very cautiously here simply because it does have a very significant affect on the heart rate," Layton said of Sileo, "and so we always worry about that, especially in an at-home setting."

The dangerous possibility of slowing down the heart rate causes vets like Layton to fear an at-home overdose, which could result in death.

More: Don't ignore your dog's bad smell — it could be a serious health issue

Dr. Eric Barchas, a veterinarian out of San Francisco, agreed with Layton in an article he wrote for Dogster.

"Sileo, aka dexmedetomidine, has a low risk of complications, but those complications are serious," Barchas explained. "I'm not yet ready to prescribe it for at-home use."

He added, "Sileo is a new product, and it is the first product that is FDA-approved for the treatment of noise phobia in dogs. However, it is not a new drug at all. Rather, it is a new formulation of a drug that has been around for quite some time — dexmedetomidine."

Dexmedetomidine is used as a sedative and has pain-killing properties. In fact, it's considered so safe that variants are even used on people. But Barchas warns about reading the fine print here — safe under the supervision of a doctor. Barchas believes Sileo is perfectly safe under a vet's supervision, but when it is taken home, things could get complicated.

If an overdose does occur, without a vet's assistance, the dog's life could absolutely be at risk.

Until further testing is done about its safety at home, Barchas said he doesn't intend to prescribe Sileo.

Proper administration of Sileo

Sileo is a gel in a syringe that is administered between your dog's gum and cheeks for quick absorption. It is not meant to be swallowed, according to the directions, as swallowing can make it ineffective. If your dog does swallow the gel, administration should not be attempted again for two hours.

More: I spent hundreds of dollars just to find out my dog has gas

Normandale Vet Hospital in Minnesota shared a helpful YouTube instructional video about the proper way to give your dog Sileo.

sileo administration video

sileo administration video

Other options to try before Sileo

Before trying Sileo, we recommend trying other solutions that are proven safe and effective.

  • ThunderShirt: ThunderShirt is a proven option for dogs with anxiety and can be used any time, from travel to fireworks. It is a vest that applies pressure to the dog (just enough that they feel it, not enough that it hurts or is uncomfortable), making them feel secure and safe.
  • Ewegurt: Ewegurt is an all-natural treat supplement that promotes calm for dogs. Sheep's milk, beets, sardines, parsley, coconut oil, kale and unfiltered apple cider vinegar make up the surprisingly simple ingredient list that people swear keeps their pets calm for hours during storms and noisy nights.
  • ZenCrate: ZenCrate uses vibration technology and music when your dog is inside their den in order to cancel out those anxiety-causing noises and make your pet feel calm and cozy. The downside is it isn't currently on the market, but the company is taking preorders.
  • Rescue Remedy: Rescue Remedy, like Ewegurt, is an all-natural herb and flower supplement designed specifically for dogs with anxiety. It comes in liquid form with a dropper so you can add a couple of drops to your pet's water.

How do you treat your dog's anxiety? Will you give Sileo a try or leave it to vets?

This is the weekend to get busy on a dating app

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If, like some of my single friends, your 2017 resolution is to get back into the dating game (which we all need breaks from every now and then), this weekend is the ideal time to do it. Sunday, January 8 will be the busiest and most popular day of the year for people to look for love online, according to data from apps including Tinder and Match.

Dubbed “Dating Sunday,” January 8 is the first Sunday after New Year’s Day, which, according to Tinder, is typically the most popular day for swiping. And it’s not just for swipers: Match users, too, will flock to the site, showing that it’s not just hookups people are looking for, but relationships, too.

More: It's time to stop making excuses in our relationships this year

Match’s peak season spans from December 26 to February 14, during which more than 50 million messages are sent, 5 million new photos are uploaded, and a million dates happen. And on “Dating Sunday,” the app predicts a 42 percent spike in new singles joining to meet someone. If you want to get super-specific, they’ve even pinpointed the time of day when the most people flood Match: 8:49pm EST.

If it’s a hookup you’re in the market for (since Tinder’s generally more well-known for those than relationships), you’ll also likely have more luck swiping on “Dating Sunday” than the average day. Tinder predicts a 12 percent boost in matches made on January 8, something the app’s sociologist Dr. Jess Carbino attributes to people feeling refreshed and ready to find love in the new year. Also, apparently 80 percent of Tinder users are looking for relationships, so don’t write off that possibility, either.

Either way, if you’re looking to meet someone, chances are you’ll have significantly more options (and prospects who are just as ready and excited to date) this Sunday—so refresh that profile and start matching and swiping!

More: How Your Zodiac Sign Affects Your Love Life


Originally posted on StyleCaster.com

Secret ingredient: Everything bagel seasoning will change your life

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Forget Klondike Bars — I would stoop to the lowest of lows and push myself to the highest of highs to get my hands on a good everything bagel. And yeah, that chewy exterior/fluffy interior carb-y goodness thing has a lot to do with it, but it's no coincidence that I go for the everything bagel every time.

More: Everything bagel stuffing is a fun twist on a Thanksgiving classic

That combination of crunchy poppy and sesame seeds, garlic, onion and salt (and fennel seeds, if you're feeling adventurous) takes bagels from glorified rolls to roller coasters of taste bud glory. And it turns out it makes basically every savory food a thousand times tastier too.

I make this simple everything bagel seasoning recipe, adding fennel seed when I feel so inclined, and suddenly, the culinary world becomes my everything-spiced oyster.

Just mix together the following:

  • 1 part dried garlic
  • 1 part dried onion
  • 1 part poppy seeds
  • 1 part toasted sesame seeds
  • 2 parts coarse sea salt

So, what to do with this magical mix?

1. Add to breading

Chicken tenders, shrimp, mozzarella sticks — basically anything that you bread and fry can be livened up by adding some everything bagel seasoning to the mix.

2. Make everything dinner rolls

Brush homemade or store-bought rolls with butter, then sprinkle with everything bagel seasoning for extra flavor.

3. Everything meatballs

Jazz up your classic meatball recipe by adding a tablespoon of everything bagel seasoning before you roll them up.

4. Sprinkle on pasta

Skip the cheese and sprinkle pasta dishes with everything bagel seasoning instead for a flavorful, vegan-friendly treat.

5. Liven up a bowl of rice

Add some fun to plain rice and pilafs with a sprinkle of everything bagel seasoning.

More: 12 flavored cream cheeses you'll want to schmear on everything

6. Add to your favorite snack mix

Homemade snack mix is even more craveable with some everything bagel seasoning tossed in.

7. Everything-crusted... well, everything

Everything-crusted steak. Everything-crusted salmon. Basically, if you can crust it (tofu! chicken!), everything bagel seasoning is its best friend.

8. Add to savory doughs

Boost the flavor of savory tarts, quiches and pies by adding some everything bagel seasoning to the crust dough.

9. Make everything garnish

Garnish soups with a swirl of sour cream or crème fraîche and a sprinkle of everything bagel seasoning.

10. Try everything vinaigrette

Tired of the same old vinaigrette? Add a teaspoon or more of everything bagel seasoning to your favorite vinaigrette, and you'll be shocked at how much more you want to eat salad.

11. Season your popcorn

Toss freshly popped popcorn, drizzled with melted butter, with everything bagel seasoning. Mind. Blown.

More: 12 appetizing spice blends, demystified and ready for you to explore

What else are you dying to sprinkle everything bagel spices on?

I didn't know I was addicted to an opioid until I tried to get off it

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I remember clearly the first time I experienced true withdrawal. Cheering my brother on in a triathlon in Washington, DC on a particularly bright and hot summer day, I was soon a pool of sweat. My jaw wouldn't stop grinding my teeth from side to side. My bones felt like they were on fire, screaming to be shattered by a hammer into a hundred pieces, or at the very least, for my joints to be popped out of their sockets. My head was a drum. I writhed for the five-hour drive home.

I was physically addicted to an opioid painkiller, Fentanyl, which is 50 times more potent than pharmaceutical-grade heroin. Since I received the drug through a patch on my skin, the heat that day had increased my circulation and pulled more of it into my system.

Once it ran out, my body fumed violently. I had been warned this could happen, and now I was feeling its truth.

Fentanyl is a synthetic opioid used for treating breakthrough pain. Since it is 80-100 times stronger than morphine, it's often used intravenously or orally in conjunction with other drugs during endoscopies or surgeries.

More: Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is way better than yoga

For those who cannot take medication orally, the transdermal patch is a godsend when taken for short periods of time. It was truly a godsend for me, but I was on it for ten months straight.

I've battled severe chronic pain issues off and on for much of my adult life, a result of contracting Lyme disease in childhood during a time when the science wasn't current enough to cure me completely.

I'd been working with a pain management specialist for many years before an intense period of illness had me out of work and in so much pain that I could barely move if not treated with something. I'd dropped twenty-five pounds from not being able to digest anything, losing the strength my body desperately needed to heal itself.

The pain medication I was taking orally helped, but made my insides twist. I'd break out in fever, trying to pass anything through. That's how I found myself on Fentanyl – my digestive tract was non-existent and I needed help.

More: How I've learned to cope with the worst parts of my endometriosis

It made it possible for me to take the subway to my doctors appointments, to eat a Japanese yam once a day. I could finally drive my friends around our old college town, me napping in the car while they ate and got boozy. I could go to Radio City with my boyfriend, or to a cousin's birthday, or simply to lay on a couch without wanting to float away into the abyss.

Ten months later, my body was further down the road to health, and it was time to take the patches off. For three days, I lived in darkness. My body was screaming for the medication, pounding me with more pain than I had known possible. Every bone felt like it needed to be shattered now into tens of thousands of pieces. I'd sit on the floor and try to meditate, sobbing within seconds instead.

I cried in the bathtub, the heat and Epsom salts working to no avail. Light made everything hurt. I couldn't focus on television or talk to anyone. My sweet boyfriend looked in on me from time to time, but there was nothing he could do. I sweated into my sheets at night. I'd stare at the clock, waiting for the exact moment when I could take the next Percocet. Titrating me down from the Fentanyl to nothing meant I'd transferred to eight Percocet a day and would eventually make it down to none. They weren't enough.

I almost gave in and slapped the final patch I had in my medicine bag right back on. Getting past those first three days took more strength and determination than I honestly knew I had. I remember thinking at the time, "I now understand why heroin addicts can't kick the habit."

More: My hypochondria, OCD, and PTSD create a vicious cycle of mental illness I can't escape

My heart opened in sympathy to them, because the amount of torture I experienced was at least eased by being able to jump to a far lower dosage rather than being cut off completely. Another week went by, and my body did start to breathe again. I still had to take those eight Percocet, but they were enough. Then seven were. Then six. I was fortunate to be working with a naturopathic doctor at the time who supplemented the drug with plant-based medicines that shortened the expected titration period of three months down to six weeks. I slowly gained weight back and started to heal.

There are extremely valid reasons why we should be afraid of the over prescription of pain medication, and there are extremely valid reasons we should be afraid of the rise in heroin use — the two are strongly correlated.

I've known people who have died from heroin overdose, and a dear friend of mine (also chronically ill) has been in and out of rehabilitation programs for medications that help ease her pain. She's clean now, but lives in an amount of pain daily that I wouldn't wish on my greatest enemy because her body gets addicted in ways that mine doesn't.

Addiction is a real, valid concern, but the harsh reality is that some people live with breakthrough pain that can't be fixed by anything else, and their limited quality of life is that much more the better from the relief of opioids.

I live a very healthful life. One of discipline, healing foods, low stress, gratitude, thanks and love. It's also one of frustration, pain, and patience. Those who know me well see how maintaining the health I have is always a concern, always a focus.

If I could have thought or worked or prayed or dieted or meditated or exercised my way back to full health, I would have by now. But disease is real — we don't choose it and we can't will it away. I'm thankful for my vitamins, supplements, acupuncture and naturopathic physicians. I'm also thankful for my incredible pain management doctor, who helps my healing process just by saying, "You don't deserve to live in so much pain, and you don't need to."

I can say with 99 percent confidence that I will never go on the Fentanyl patch again. Coming off of it was a kind of pain I don't think I could handle living a second time. But I am thankful that it helped me live my life a little easier while I was on it. Because, thanks to it and the doctors and other protocols that helped me get through another severely sick period, at least I could still muster a smile.

Jacqueline Raposo writes about people who make food for a living, gathered at www.wordsfoodart.com. Recently, she's written about the correlation between chronic illness and relationships for Cosmopolitan and about chronic illness and not having children for Elle. She writes healing, gluten-free recipes at www.TheDustyBaker.com and can be found on TwitterFacebook and Instagram.

Originally published on BlogHer.

Parental Advisory: How early is too early to announce your pregnancy?

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Welcome back to Parental Advisory, where I answer all of your social media and IRL parenting etiquette questions. This week, let's talk about the timing of pregnancy announcements on Facebook.

Question:

"I have an acquaintance who's my friend on Facebook. She has been trying for a long time to get pregnant. The other week she announced she is pregnant. She and her boyfriend are thrilled. Thrilled! Then she says that she literally posted the news five minutes after a positive test. Hadn't even been to the doctor yet. Is essentially two weeks pregnant at this point. OK. She then proceeds to get VERY angry (in public posts) about friends who have suggested she wait to share such news. Maybe the friends were harsh about it, I didn't see their comments, but... I don't think they were wrong to make that suggestion.

So I guess my question is, does the first trimester unspoken rule still apply, that it's safest to wait a bit until announcing? I have seen the pain of friends who had to backpedal and make "un-pregnant" announcements when they miscarried at five weeks, two months, four months — or in the case my aunt, who miscarried at eight and a half months. I would hate to see if anything 'happens' with her pregnancy, but part of me will wish she had kept it secret, for her own sake, if it does."

Answer:

There are a few different approaches to pregnancy announcements on social media, and I'm not talking about the difference between a simple text update ("We're having a baby! Due in March!") versus an elaborate photo shoot complete with props, Photoshop and heart hands. I'm talking about the timing of the announcement.

Whether or not a couple chooses to announce with a picture of baby shoes sitting by the fire next to a framed ultrasound photo is irrelevant to the timing of the announcement, which is the element I tend to pay attention to. This is partly because I have so many friends popping out kids, I need to keep track of who's pregnant, who I need to buy a gift for, who's due in June and who's due in August, etc.

I think most people over the age of 30 (or 19, if you're from the South like I am!) have this mental Rolodex in their brains now that we're all on social media and suddenly feel like we "know" thousands of people, as opposed to the days before social media when you really only had so many friends and acquaintances to keep up with. Instead of getting daily updates about a classmate you haven't seen in 15 or 20 years, you'd get the highlights every few years. You wouldn't know that your lab partner from sophomore chemistry was pregnant or had morning sickness or did an underwater maternity photo shoot or had her cervix dilated or ate her placenta and so on — and that worked just fine. But now that we have all this information to absorb and/or dispense online, the approaches we take to announcing a baby may differ from our friends and acquaintances.

For some people who have suffered miscarriages in the past, the pain of having to, as you say in your email, "backpedal and make 'un-pregnant' announcements" is too hard to potentially go through again, either online or in real life. I have friends who have waited until the day their baby was born healthy to make any Facebook announcement at all. (Those posts are always met with, "Holy shit! You guys had a baby?! Congrats, had no idea whatsoever!" like it's the craziest secret anyone has ever kept. If you're an extremely patient person and enjoy surprising everyone you know with a single Facebook post, I recommend trying this method!)

I also have friends who announced a pregnancy in the first trimester, but in most cases, they'd already had a healthy baby, so they felt "secure" announcing baby No. 2 earlier than baby No. 1. No one wants to have to make an 'un-pregnant' announcement (and it's worth considering that even if someone does, there's no guarantee all of their friends will actually see it), but the point you're making with your question is that if the vast majority of miscarriages (80 percent) occur in the first trimester, why not wait to announce? The chances of having a viable, healthy baby increase considerably around week 13, so why do some people opt to pee on a stick, immediately take a picture, apply the Valencia filter and upload it to every social platform they use?

Test
Image: STFU Parents

In most cases, the intoxicating combination of personal excitement and online attention are simply too much for parents to contain. They must share the news ASAP because they've seen the love other parents receive from friends when they've announced a pregnancy, and they want in on that. They've yearned for those likes like a baby yearns for his mom's boobs, and they might have waited years before finally having any announcement to make (such as in the case of your acquaintance).

The only thing that really differentiates people who share baby news in the first trimester from each other is that some of them do so with complete optimism, never thinking that suffering a miscarriage will be that much harder if an announcement must be made online, while others share the news knowing full well that the chances of miscarriage are higher in the first trimester, but don't feel threatened by the prospect of making an 'un-pregnant' announcement. They would rather share their joys and their possible sorrows with their friends, possibly to aid in the destigmatization of miscarriage or possibly because, for them, social media is about complete transparency and consistent updates.

But even as an advocate for the destigmatization of miscarriage, it's hard for me to rationalize posting about a pregnancy on Facebook in the first trimester. There are ways to normalize how we talk about miscarriage, or the representations of miscarriage we see on TV or in movies without announcing one's own miscarriage in real time. And while there's certainly nothing wrong with announcing online that a pregnancy has sadly ended — if anything, it could be therapeutic — it does seem unnecessarily risky to take that chance in the first three months when history and science have shown us that the risks are reduced in the second trimester.

That being said, I can't condone someone suggesting that a friend wait to share her news any more than I condone the early sharing of said news. Raining on someone's parade, no matter how tempting, is a shitty thing to do in real life and an even shittier thing to do online in front of someone's entire social network.

If everyone knows this friend has been trying to get pregnant for a long time and she finally announces a pregnancy, it should probably be assumed that she understands the risks. I don't disagree that she should have waited, but maybe those people shouldn't have spoken up — unless she got very angry with friends just because they were surprised to hear she's only 2 to 4 weeks along. Most people do not expect the answer to the question "How far along are you?" to be "Oh, about 96 hours. I took a test!" which is yet another reason people should consider waiting to announce and/or not get upset with their friends for expressing shock. It's a lot less surprising to hear "12 weeks" than it is to hear "12 days," and this woman should know that.

But you don't have to take my word for it. If you're looking for a good resource regarding how to do things online, look no further than Felicia Day, who posted a baby announcement this week for her 2.92 million and counting Twitter followers and 1.4 million and counting Facebook page members: 

Day
Image: STFU Parents

OK, so most people don't have millions of rabid fans or another similar reason to withhold a baby announcement for this long, but nonetheless, the response to Day's late-stage third-trimester surprise announcement was overwhelming positive.

Secret
Image: STFU Parents
Secret_2
Image: STFU Parents

See what I mean about people loving that unexpected third-trimester surprise? It's real. Her announcement even started giving some people ideas:

Future Announcement
Image: STFU Parents

Now that sounds truly radical. In the future, everyone will announce a new baby either in the first trimester of pregnancy or when the kid starts college. Done!

Do YOU have a question about parents on social media? Send whatever is on your mind to stfuparentsblog AT gmail.com!

8 ways we're making the world a better place in 2017

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New Year seems to bring out the most determined, goal-oriented and productive parts of us. We set our sights high and aim for greatness. After a rough election year, and in anticipation of a new U.S. president, New Year has also seemed to turn people's efforts outward in an attempt to make the world a better place. We asked our community what they're doing this year to make the world brighter. Here's what they said.

1. Kindness and volunteer work

"In 2017, I plan to demonstrate kindness in ways I never have. I've picked small ways so far - smiling at people on the subway, and saying good morning on the street (my kids help!), and striking up conversations with those who seem to be wrapped in their own thoughts. Over the past year, I started volunteering with Make-a-Wish, I started a ministry that helps involve young families in the church, and I am about to begin volunteer work with my local children's hospital." - Steph Bernaba

2. Making hats for the homeless

"I have made a commitment to make a hat a week to donate to the homeless in our area in 2017. By investing my time and energy each week, it will keep the homeless and the issues they face in the forefront of my thoughts and encourage me to find more ways to help." - Susan Santoro

3. Attending the Million Women March

"I've been donating my money to various causes that have meaning to me, volunteered my time at a food bank, and plan to attend the Million Women March on January 21. It's the least I feel I can do while the world seemingly crumbles around me. - Ali Arnone

4. Organizing for charity

My new radio show has been doing incredibly well. To show our gratitude we give back by supporting charities and organizations who also service our community. Places like Cohen Children's Medical Center (who we just raised $94K+ for), animal rescue and adoption facilities and cancer charities. In 2017, we have plans to advocate for people and animal shelters who need our voice most by adding more organizations to our roster. If we can promote them more than we promote ourselves, 2017 will have been a huge success. - Dr. Cooper Lawrence

5. Donating a percentage of money earned

I have decided that I will donate a percentage of all money I earn in 2017 to Because I Am a Girl. I watched Tom Shadyac's movie I Am again a few weeks ago and was reminded of the importance of being part of a solution to the problems of the world. The work I do is all about working with women to help them connect with their passion and live a fulfilled life. I want to contribute to a cause that is working to help break the cycle of poverty for young girls and the communities they live in! - Sandra Dawes

5. Becoming more politically active

I am going to be more politically active, by which I mean small steps. I may march, but since I have a small child, cannot put myself out there as much as I may have in the past. I will absolutely call representatives (something I've never done before), and educate myself and others. - Sarah Myers

6. Participating in a boycott

I'll be participating in the Injustice Boycott (injusticeboycott.com) and talking about it with my 4 yr old daughter. - Sachi Feris

7. Limiting over-reaction

I'm trying not to stress out over things unnecessarily. I got into the habit of overreacting and I'm trying to manage that better. I'm doing this to make things easier for myself, of course, but also to model better for my son, who also has a tendency to stress unnecessarily, and also to send less angsty energy out into the world. - Adriana Velez

8. Promoting positivity

I plan do make 2017 the year I focus on promoting positivity. I hope to be a more uplifting and compassionate person, as well as helping surround others with the warm and fuzzy! - Nikki Leonard


My 8-year old downloaded porn — here's how we handled it

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The truth of the matter is, it happens everyday to millions of parents. What is it? Well, it’s my child — your child — being exposed to pornography.

More: Mindful techniques to help your kids reduce their school anxiety

I was actually livid at first. I asked him about it. I was looking at the times that he downloaded the porn and he lied. I don’t know why he lied. In retrospect, I realize that he may have been scared that he could have gotten in trouble, that we would yell or scream at him, and who knows what else he may have been thinking.

Normally, we have a very open relationship. He knows he can tell me and his Dad anything. I want to be clear he managed to get around parental controls by downloading a game through the Amazon App Store. While it may not have been actual pornography, it is a form of pornography none-the-less.

From livid, I calmed down and headed straight into paranoia. Yes, I almost became that mom who goes, "Where did you learn this?" "Is anyone touching you?" "Why did you download this?" I stopped myself. The look in his eyes — you know the deer caught in headlights one — broke my heart.

More: What I wish I'd known before becoming a young mom

I’ve never been the mom to say, "Stop it or your wee wee will fall off," or "Stop doing that or you will go blind." I’m Catholic, not stupid. I just explained to him that it was something that is to be done in private and not in public places.

When he finally admitted that he did in fact download the porn/game, I asked him to go sit in the kitchen and wait for me and his dad. I needed a couple of minutes to calm down, assess my feelings, and breathe. I also didn’t want to yell at him and embarrass him further. A few minutes later, we called him back into the living room and asked him to have a seat. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Bubbies, first we want you to know that it’s okay for you to have these kinds of feeling towards girls and your body. It’s normal, and we’re not angry with you for that. We’re upset and disappointed, because 1) you lied to us with the evidence right there, and 2) You downloaded something you knew you shouldn’t have and betrayed our trust.

Son: I know, I’m sorry.

We told him he would lose his tablet and YouTube privileges until he'd earned back our trust.

More: I screamed the F-word at my teenager over a silly argument

This was honestly a conversation that I could have waited a few more years to have with him. I honestly think that I was more embarrassed than angry at the situation. When I looked at the search terms, he had “sexy boobs,” “naked girls,” and “big butts.” He apparently knows what he wants to look at! I just couldn’t believe he is aware enough to actually search for this.

The past two weeks he has been working diligently to make sure that the trust boundaries are being rebuilt. He hasn’t had too much of an attitude either.

So, what to do if your child downloads porn? It’s quite simple. I know that some of you have already experienced this kind of situation, but if you haven’t here are some tips:

  • Don’t freak out! It’s normal for their age to begin exploring.
  • Don’t yell! They’re already embarrassed from being caught, don’t make it worse.
  • Don’t shame or guilt them about it. The last thing they need is a complex that will a lifetime to get over.
  • Do make this a teaching opportunity.
  • Do explain to them how they broke your trust.
  • Do tell them and assure them that you still love them.

Has this happened in your family? How did you react?

Originally published on BlogHer.

Arianna Huffington’s top healthy food, fitness and sleep tips

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In the last few years, Arianna Huffington has made a fascinating career pivot from news media mogul to wellness guru. Last August, she announced she would leave the 11-year-old super-success Huffington Post to focus on Thrive Global, her new health and wellness company whose mission is to “end the epidemic of stress and burnout by offering companies and individuals sustainable, science-based solutions to enhance well-being and performance.”

While I’d been aware of Huffington’s message about the importance of sleep to health and success, I wanted to know more about her personal day-to-day wellness routine. Below, she lets STYLECASTER in on how she eats, exercises, and sleeps on an average day.

I start an average day by: Meditating.

For breakfast I had: Poached eggs and a (very hot) coffee.

For lunch I had: Salmon and fresh greens.

Today I snacked on: Goat cheese.

My go-to healthy drink is: Water!

The one thing I would never eat is: Cotton candy.

My favorite workout is: Hiking.

My guilty pleasure food is: Dark chocolate.

The one thing that always gets me motivated to work out is: Remembering how fantastic I felt after my last workout.

Arianna Huffington fitness
Image: Getty Images

More: Kristin Cavallari’s Diet and Fitness Secrets

The next big health and fitness trend will be: Incorporating regular movement into our everyday lives.

My favorite healthy restaurant is: Lure for fresh fish.

My favorite healthy snack is: Raw nuts.

On Instagram I’m obsessed with following: DJ Khaled.

The three ingredients you’ll always find in my kitchen are: Lemons, organic vegetables, and feta cheese—I’m Greek!

My biggest health trip for travelers is: Prioritize your sleep.

My signature healthy dish is: Steamed cauliflower with lemon and olive oil.

The health app I couldn’t live without is: Thrive Global’s app Silo—I can feel the benefits to my health when I disconnect from technology.

The best part off my job is: Being inspired by stories from people around the world about how they are taking action to improve their own well-being.

My winter health tip is: Use the sun setting early as another reason to go to bed sooner.

My before-bed routine is: Escorting my phone outside my bedroom, taking a hot bath with epsom salts, and writing.

More: ‘Orange Is the New Black’ Star Vicky Jeudy’s Diet Secrets

Originally posted on StyleCaster.com

5 things I learned from a professional mind cleanse

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Hypnosiscrystal healingmeditation, the study of auras and chakras—these are just a few methods of emotional healing involving invisible energetic forces that fascinate the world, myself and celebrities included. It makes sense: Who wouldn’t want to experience something otherworldly and powerful, with the ability to change your life for the better?

More: Why I'm teaching myself to be less available to everyone

While some of these fields have a magical, mystical vibe, others—like meditation and therapy—fall squarely outside the realm of woo-woo and within the actionable lines of real life, and I’ve experienced their transformative effects. So when I was invited to meet with international psychotherapist and intuitive healer named Fiona Arrigo, whose 90-minute Mind Cleanse promised to “deliver a powerful life-changing fix in less than a day” by eliminating blocks, healing past traumas, and encouraging “deep, transformational, and lasting change,” I jumped.

My conversation with Arrigo, which happened over Skype because she’s based in the U.K., felt like a wonderful heart-to-heart with a wise aunt or godmother. There was no small talk; we cut to the chase, and I felt comfortable opening up to her. She asked me about my goals in life, relationships, and career; any challenges I was experiencing achieving them; and about my emotional rhythms. Then she delivered advice about being a woman, and a human, at this particular moment in history, which felt both universal and specific to me—lofty and inspiring, but also earth-bound and helpful.

While I’m not sure I felt that my mind was cleansed, per se, at the end of the conversation, I was definitely inspired, and would recommend using Arrigo’s tips to help you start 2017 off on the right note. If you’re interested, Arrigo will be stateside, hosting in-person consultations in New York City from February 13 through 19—otherwise, you can get my main takeaways from our session below.

More: Rose-Quartz Rituals Improved My Love Life

Starting your day right matters

Rely on more than just a hot shower and coffee to kick you into gear in the morning, says Arrigo. By getting into a positive mindset, you set your day up for success, rather than negativity. “Start the day by centering yourself and setting your focus,” she says. “You may want to create an altar of sorts in your home—a place where you keep a candle, a special photo, or a meditation cushion that represents peace and inspiration for you.” Here, you can meditate, journal, or say affirmations (more on those below) to help improve your vibration and get your day off on the right foot.

A Lot Can Change in a Day

Since setting big goals, ideas, and thinking about long-term changes can be overwhelming, Arrigo suggests picking one word a day and using it as your focus. “Whether it’s love, empathy, or forgiveness, meditate on that word as a spiritual practice,” she says. “Cultivate that quality as much as you can during the day.” The idea of forgiving a friend or family member for a major betrayal forever might be daunting—but can you try it on and see how it feels for 24 hours? It seems a lot more doable.

Daydreams Are Powerful

If you’re type-A and don’t allow yourself much time to zone out, listen to music, or just imagine the future, you’re doing yourself a disservice. “Women have lost the capacity to know we’re the dreamers who co-create the world,” says Arrigo. “You must dare to dream your dreams—it’s never been more important.” In other words, visualizing and fantasizing about the things you want can actually help manifest them—and it can never hurt.

Rituals and Affirmations are Useful Tools

In order to breed the qualities in yourself and your life that you want and feel reflect your best self, you can use the aforementioned altar as well as certain positive phrases in order to reinforce your vision. A few that Arrigo suggests: I humbly accept that I can direct and move energy. I trust the strength and power of the evolution of my being. I trust that I’m doing the work that I’ve come here to do. And, first thing in the morning, a question to help you focus and reflect: How can I bring the most of my being into the world; how can I activate what I’m yearning to see in the world today?

Self-Compassion is Key

It’s natural to get frustrated when life doesn’t progress in the way you want it to, whether it’s that promotion you’ve been working towards forever or a relationship that just isn’t shaping up as you’d hoped. It’s also natural to want to blame yourself, getting mired in negativity and self-loathing for things not going right. But having patience with yourself—and everyone around you—is one of the key traits of an evolved, emotionally healthy person, says Arrigo. “Even if you’re not living as spiritually well as you’d like to be, have love and forgiveness towards yourself,” she says. “We’re just coming out of hundreds of years of being ‘asleep’—as in not aware or mindful of our energetic impact on the world—so when you get frustrated with yourself, try and melt those sharp edges into compassion.”

More: Are Auras Real? An Investigation

Originally posted on StyleCaster.com

The easiest way to fix flat hair in under 60 seconds

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Fun fact: One of STYLECASTER editor’s hair is so flat and fine, it makes Flat Stanley look like a curvaceous pin-up doll (sorry to out you, Lauren Caruso). But if you looked at a picture of Lauren, or even ran your fingers through her hair—which, why wouldn’t you do that?—you’d never know it, because her hair always looks so damn voluminous and full. So what’s her super-secret trick? A hardcore addiction to volumizing products.

More: New Year’s Eve Nail Inspo That’s Anything But Tacky

And no, we’re not talkin’ the root-boosting sprays that require wet hair, a blow-dryer, and a master’s degree in blowouts, but the volumizing sprays and powders that contain light-as-air polymers that attach to your dry hair to bulk it up, giving you the look and feel of insanely thick, va-va-voom hair. And because there are approximately 40,000 products on the market that claim to volumize your hair—but actually just leave it in a sticky, knotted mess—we cut through the bullshit for you and spelled out our favorites.

Here, we present to you the seven best sprays (great for adding light-to-medium volume) and powders (best for building hardcore volume and texture) that really, truly work, including Lauren’s obsession, Big Sexy Hair Powder Play, which I genuinely believe she would run into a burning building filled with sharks to save. Just lift up sections of hair and spray or sprinkle the volumizer at your roots, then flip your head over, hang out for 10 seconds, and flip back over. Boom—instant volume, in only 60 seconds. Keep reading to find your new favorite volume-maker, and get ready to feel pretty damn awesome about your Flat Stanley hair.

Flat hair fix
Image: Imaxtree

More: 101 Holiday Party Makeup Ideas to Try Right Now

Living Proof Full Dry Volume Blast

Living Proof Full Dry Volume Blast
Image: Living Proof

Living Proof Full Dry Volume Blast, $29; at Living Proof

Big Sexy Hair Powder Play Volumizing & Texturizing Powder

Big Sexy Hair Powder Play Volumizing & Texturizing Powder
Image: Sexy Hair

Big Sexy Hair Powder Play Volumizing & Texturizing Powder, $16.95; at Sexy Hair

L'Oréal Boost It High Lift Creation Spray

L'Oréal Boost It High Lift Creation Spray
Image: L'Oréal

L'Oréal Boost It High Lift Creation Spray, $4.99; at L'Oréal

Bumble and Bumble Prêt-à-Powder

Bumble and Bumble Prêt-à-Powder
Image: Bumble and Bumble

Bumble and Bumble Prêt-à-Powder, $12; at Bumble and Bumble

Kenra Professional Volume Finishing Spray 25

Kenra Professional Volume Finishing Spray 25
Image: Ulta

Kenra Professional Volume Finishing Spray 25, $17; at Ulta

Got2B Powder’ful Volumizing Styling Powder

Got2B Powder’ful Volumizing Styling Powder
Image: Ulta

Got2B Powder’ful Volumizing Styling Powder, $6.49; at Ulta

Serge Normant Dream Big Instant Volumizing Spray

Serge Normant Dream Big Instant Volumizing Spray
Image: Serge Normant

Serge Normant Dream Big Instant Volumizing Spray, $25; at Serge Normant

Originally posted on StyleCaster.com

The best face washes for every skin type

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Hot tip: The type of face wash you use really, truly matters, to the point where it can either make or break your goal of having flawless skin. And sure, your grandmother got away with rubbing bar soap all over her face for forty years and “turned out fine,” but it’s 2017, your grandma is a pile of wrinkles, and your skin deserves more than “fine.”

More: The Best Moisturizers for Dry, Sensitive Skin

You know that foaming, squeaky-clean cleanser you slather on your dry skin each morning? It’s the equivalent of washing your car with a bunch of sand and rocks. Or that scrubby, nubby face wash you buff across your acne-prone skin every day? Like rubbing shards of glass into silk. (Hey, if you could see the surface of your skin under a microscope, you’d agree with us.) And prolonged use of these wrong-for-you cleansers can result in a damaged skin barrier, redness, dryness, an increase in acne and irritation, and just overall sadness. Sad, sad, skin sadness.

So to help you out in your good-skin journey, we found the best of the best—like, top-rated and most-recommended across the internet—face washes for each skin type, so you can stop accidentally destroying your skin and show it some love. Keep reading to find the best cleanser for you, and then get excited for a happier-looking face.

More: 101 Party Makeup Ideas to Try Right Now

For Straight-Up Oily Skin

Clinique Liquid Facial Soap Oily Skin Formula
Image: Clinique

Clinique Liquid Facial Soap Oily Skin Formula, $17; at Clinique

For Combination Skin That’s More Oily Than Dry…

CeraVe Foaming Facial Cleanser
Image: Amazon

CeraVe Foaming Facial Cleanser, $8; at Amazon

For Combination Skin That’s More Dry Than Oily…

Cetaphil Daily Facial Cleanser for Normal to Oily Skin Read more: http://stylecaster.com/beauty/best-face-wash-for-skin-type/#ixzz4UiDnGMfA
Image: Ulta

Cetaphil Daily Facial Cleanser for Normal to Oily Skin, $15; at Ulta

For “Normal” Skin

Yes to Cucumbers Gentle Milk Cleanser
Image: Amazon

Yes to Cucumbers Gentle Milk Cleanser, $9; at Amazon

For Sensitive Skin

Avene Tolerance Extreme Cleansing Lotion
Image: Avene

Avene Tolerance Extreme Cleansing Lotion, $32; at Avene

For Insanely Dry, Easily Irritated Skin

Pond’s Cold Cream Cleanser
Image: Target

Pond’s Cold Cream Cleanser, $8; at Target

For (Non-Sensitive) Acne-Prone Skin

Murad Time Release Acne Cleanser
Image: Murad

Murad Time Release Acne Cleanser, $31; at Murad

For Sensitive, Acne-Prone Skin

First Aid Beauty Face Cleanser
Image: First Aid Beauty

First Aid Beauty Face Cleanser, $20; at First Aid Beauty

Originally posted on StyleCaster.com

Recipe Revamp: Superfood chocolate almond-peanut butter cups

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What if there were chocolate peanut butter cups that you had to eat because they're pretty much your multivitamin for the day? What if your doctor was like, "You have to eat these. I'm prescribing you these peanut butter cups"?

More: Recipe Revamp: Quinoa "Doritos" and more next-level Super Bowl snack hacks

Well, we found them. Not only will these treats give you a chocolate/salty endorphin boost, they're also loaded with a bunch of good-for-you ingredients that maybe we shouldn't even mention here because that would ruin the fun.

But OK, since you asked, they're made with hemp seeds, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, coconut oil — you know, all those superfoods we keep meaning to eat more of. Only they're all delivered in a yummy chocolate package. Did we mention these chocolate peanut butter cups are also raw? The recipe is from Raw-Vitalize: The Easy, 21-Day Raw Food Recharge, and we've got it right here.

More: Look at all the different baked veggie chips you can make

raw chocolate peanut butter cup
Image: Mike Mendell

Chocolate almond-peanut butter cups recipe

Yields about 6 cups

Remember Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? Well, life just got better. Yes, these are better in every way. They are made with dark raw cacao powder, coconut oil and seeds, lightly sweetened — they are essentially healthy. We call this one of our favorite go-to freezer desserts. Eat soon after removing from the freezer, as they melt quickly.

Ingredients:

  • 2 teaspoons hemp seeds
  • 2 teaspoons sunflower seeds
  • 2 teaspoons pumpkin seeds
  • 7 tablespoons solid coconut oil
  • 2 tablespoons almond butter
  • 2 tablespoons peanut butter
  • 7 tablespoons cacao powder
  • 3 tablespoons plus 1 teaspoon maple syrup

Directions:

  1. Mix the seeds together in a bowl and set aside.
  2. Place the solid coconut oil in a bowl and place it over a pan of hot water to melt.
  3. Mix the almond and peanut butters together in a bowl and place them over a pan of hot water to soften.
  4. To make the "chocolate," add cacao powder and maple syrup to the melted coconut oil and combine well. Keep mixing until all granules of cacao powder are well incorporated and smooth. Taste for sweetness and add more maple syrup if desired.
  5. To assemble, place paper cupcake holders into cupcake tins.
  6. Put 4 teaspoons of chocolate into the bottom of the paper cups.
  7. Drop 1 teaspoon of nut butter mixture on top of the chocolate.
  8. Sprinkle 1 teaspoon combined seeds on top of the nut butter. Lightly tap the tin on the kitchen counter to settle the ingredients.
  9. Top each cup with 1 tablespoon of chocolate and divide the remaining chocolate between the six cups. Lightly tap down the tin when finished to meld together.
  10. Place the tin in the freezer covered with plastic wrap. Eat them right from the freezer, as coconut oil softens quickly at room temperature.

More: 20 tasty energy bites that love you better than cookies do

Raw-vitalize
Image: Mike Mendell

7 things I learned from 'settling down'

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When I was in my rebellious teen years, I had very strong opinions on getting married and having kids at a young age. I didn't understand why anyone would "waste their 20s" and "settle so early" when clearly that's what our 30s were for. Climbing the career ladder, working to build a well-rounded résumé with volunteer and activist work, casual dating, and nights out with friends seemed like a good recipe for my 20s.

As I went down my path and met the guy who'd become my husband and we had our daughter and are now gearing up for the arrival of our son, I've learned so many things that have proven my past opinions to be a little naive, and frankly, wrong.

Just two years into marriage, here's what I've learned:

1. It's about the guy, not a relationship.

There seems to be this I-don't-want-to-be-bogged-down-by-a-guy mindset floating around our society. Too much responsibility, too much work, too much of "I'm way too big a feminist," -- whatever it is, we think we're better off on our own (or without a marriage license).

We think we can accomplish more on our own when we're not "tied down." If I've learned one thing it's this: if we feel "tied down," then we're with the wrong guy.

Tim and I went into marriage on the same page. We're a team and we operate as one. We both get up in the middle of the night, we both do dishes, we both clean. I'm supportive of his career, and Tim's been the first to encourage me to do what I love and reminds me that if I want to go back to work, we can make it happen.

When we're with the right teammate, we can grow and flourish and see potential in ourselves that we may have never seen, because we have our biggest fan next to us challenging us and cheering us on. And that's pretty damn cool.

More: Why I'm teaching myself to be less available to everyone

2. Life doesn't end when you have kids

When I was younger, I thought life ended with children, that the mom more often than not had to hang up her hat and stay home with the kids, mom jeans and all. Sure, for those who purposely waited until their 30s or 40s to have kids, careers or passions or high heels might be traded in for baby music classes, sweats, and all things baby all the time. Why? Because they had "their time."

Since Tim and I started our family at a younger age, we have a very different mindset about having kids. We didn't find it necessary to wait until we had the money to afford a playroom dedicated to all the latest kiddie gadgets and toys (because kids ultimately don't need a million and three toys). We're comfortable with Ella being babysat and going out. We're open to the idea of daycare or a regular babysitter.

We both have dreams and passions and ambitions individually and as a couple that we'd like to pursue and achieve. There are places around the world we'd like to visit and things we'd like to experience. Kids aren't holding us back, if anything, they're moving us forward.We're more grounded, we have our priorities in order, our time is spent wisely, and we're always working towards the next goal we want to accomplish.

More: Loved ones, please stop asking when we're going to have kids

3. Our 20s are for figuring it out

During our 20s is precisely the time when we should have our future at the forefront of our minds. Our twenty-something years aren't as disposable as we think they are. These years should be used to figure out what direction we want to take in life and then to start walking in that direction.

This doesn't mean marry the first guy you see so you can start popping out kids or to settle for a sub par job simply because it pays well. It means setting goals, working towards the goals, and consistently reevaluating progress. So maybe this means not wasting time on a relationship we know isn't going anywhere or actively looking for (and working toward) the job that will suit our passion, has a future, and will help fill that savings account (and pay off student loans).

4. Identity isn't lost when you become a parent

I'm pretty passionate about this topic. I believe every mom should have an identity separate from her kids. It's healthy for the mom, it's healthy for her husband, and it's healthy for her children. (A dad should as well; I happen to be writing from the at-home parent's perspective.)

Whether it's fitness or teaching a class or writing or photography or interior design or simple girl time with old friends, we moms need time for ourselves. Just us. We need to be able to walk away, reset, and come back to our responsibilities with a clearer head and refreshed mindset.

More: Why I love to travel without my husband

5. It's on us to keep growing as individuals

I really have my husband to thank for this lesson. When we were in college, I'd often complain to him about the fact that the journalism program I was there for wasn't as established as promised. He, being in a similar situation himself, would often ask what I could do about it. (We weren't exactly in the position to simply drop out, mind you.)

By his example of forming independent studies and going to conferences and meetups for people in his industry, I took my education into my own hands and ultimately landed an internship at an ABC affiliate. I say this because as parents (just as students) we can get lost in the grind, what's in front of us, and lose sight of our big picture goals.

But it is on us to keep growing as individuals. For example, a mom or dad taking time off from his/her career because it's the best decision financially for the family could be a great sacrifice. The now-parent could have really loved the work, the routine, the intellectual stimulation. Instead of totally losing themselves in diapers and toy maracas, they can take some time to write, read articles, stay up to date on the industry, meet up with friends in the industry, etc. The possibilities are endless.

We may say we don't have enough time. And sure, we may not have as much time as often as we'd like. But if it's really that important to us, we'll make some time. And if that means getting up extra early before our kids to get a blog post in, then so be it.

6. Time moves faster than we think.

Time is no joke. It's limited. It's fast moving. And it often escapes us. If we don't take control of the years we have, they could slip by us without us noticing. We should value our time, respect it, and make the most out of what we've been given.

7. A little sacrifice ain't ever killed nobody

When I was younger, the hardest thing to accept about the notion of getting married and having kids young was it wasn't just about me. Without strings, I could do what I wanted, whenever I wanted, wherever I wanted. The reality? That mindset doesn't yield good, kind, successful people, because it's never about "just us."

Any good commitment and relationship takes sacrifice. It's a simple fact. Is it always convenient or the most fun? No. But that's a good thing.

I think back to when I was younger and have no choice but to laugh a little. Is having a family a huge responsibility? Yes. Is parenting challenging? To say the least.

All I know is what I used to think would slow me down and take life away is the very thing that has grounded me, made me a stronger and better person, and put me on a path that I love. I've learned it's about balance, mindset, and choosing your partner wisely.

Yes, everyone has a different path, moving at different paces, for different reasons. But we need to take the negative air out of thinking about marriage and family, because marriage and family sure isn't the end. It's only the beginning.

Originally posted on BlogHer.


When is it OK to let your kids quit an activity?

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"How do you decide which extracurricular activities your kids do?"

I asked this question at a friend’s party, while I stood with other parents in the dining room next to a table laden with ribs, carrot sticks, and kale salad. Our children ran in and out of the room, stealing chips and giggling.

I needed advice. I had recently broken one of my cardinal rules of parenting — never sign my kids up for too many activities — and was wondering how other parents handled the dilemma of opting in or out of kids’ sports and other forms of enrichment.

“If our daughter asks to do something, we sign her up,” replied one set of parents whose six-year-old did dance, soccer, ice-skating, Girl Scouts, and karate. They both worked full-time but managed the commitments together, alternating pick up and drop off.

More: Mindful techniques to help your kids reduce their school anxiety

“I want my daughters to have options, so I have them try something once,” answered a mom of two young girls. “If they don’t like it, at least they’ve given it a go, and, often I find that, after a few sessions, they enjoy themselves. Sometimes my older daughter even thanks me for signing her up!”

The idea that our kids could go from complaining about not wanting to go lessons to expressing gratitude for making it happen made us all chuckle. It was a kind of parenting nirvana: that one day our kids will appreciate our efforts for them.

I live in a town where enrolling your kids in extracurricular activities, from sports to math prep to music, is the norm. As a working parent, I am stretched to find time for everything, so extracurriculars have always been a sore spot for me; as a family, we haven’t had the time to make many of the options work in our schedule. Yet, this year, after so long resisting the call to overschedule my kids, I fell prey to “it would be good for them” principle, and now our Google calendar overflowed with places my kids needed to be. I had somehow agreed for my son to simultaneously take piano and swim lessons, be a Boy Scout, play on a baseball team, and participate in track, fencing, and lacrosse clinics. Luckily, everything was on a different day of the week, but he was to going to have something to do every day. So much for free time.

Like the mom at the party, I wanted my son to have opportunities to try new things, but I had a feeling I was overdoing it. The reasons for his busy schedule were mixed: he asked for Boy Scouts and fencing; I pushed swim and piano; my husband championed baseball and lacrosse. My son’s level for enthusiasm was varied, and I was beginning to feel that my desire for him to be exposed to different activities in the hopes he’d find the one (or ones) that “clicked” might be too much.

More: Travel is actually more fun now that I have a toddler

Back at the party, I asked about stopping the overload. “How do you know when to stop an activity?” I inquired. “How do you know when it’s time to let something go?”

Another mom, with grown children, stepped into the conversation. “I always told my kids that they couldn’t let their teammates down. If they really disliked a sport, they had to see it through to the end of the session because they were part of a team. Sometimes, they changed their minds and started to like the sport. Other times, they still disliked it and we didn’t do it again. But they learned what a team was.”

Her advice made me think about soccer, a sport popular in many communities. After trying it for multiple seasons, both of my kids concluded that they didn’t like it, and didn’t want to play again. My husband and I, realizing neither one of them would likely become professional soccer players, had agreed to stop signing them up for our town’s recreation league. Our Saturday mornings were free as a result, and we had time for family bike rides, leisurely pancake breakfasts, and seeing friends. So far, declining an activity hadn’t been a problem; in fact, it had opened up us to new experiences together.

Another parent chimed in. “Sometimes, we found that the kids weren’t ready for an activity yet. Maybe they were too young for whatever it was we were thinking of signing them up for. If we had waited, they might have been more open to it.” 

The mom with the grown kids spoke again. “Ultimately, you have to listen to your kid and yourself. If your kid is having fun or looks forward to practicing — whether it’s a sport or instrument — it’s a good fit. If they fight you to go to the activity, maybe it’s time to rethink their involvement.”

More: The signs that you, mom, are doing too much

Heads nodded around the circle of parents. I wondered how many of us knew that advice but still fell into the trap of overextending our kids. In the long run, did it help our kids to run from activity to activity? Or, would they be better off to have more unstructured time?

For my family, the solution already seems to be to back off, to balance what we want for our kids with what’s fun for them – and doable for working parents. It’s a lesson I may have learned a bit too late for this season, but one I plan to put in place next time around.

Kimberly Hensle Lowrance blogs at Red Shutters about her quest to juggle career, family, and life in the fourth decade. Find her online at www.redshuttersblog.com.

Originally posted on BlogHer.

13 on-point New Year’s resolutions for a better 2017

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Even though 2016 wasn’t a very inspiring year, we have higher hopes for the next one. As 2017 approaches, we’ve got our minds on how to be happier, healthier, more generous, politically active, and successful by our own definition. That means being grateful for what we already have and motivated to go after the things we don’t (what up, glass ceiling).

In honor of women everywhere who’re chasing their dreams, I asked 13 of ’em who I know and love what they plan to focus on in 2017 to make their world—and everyone else’s—a better place. From personal goals to political challenges, these 13 women are setting the bar high.

More: 30 Amazing Quotes About Overcoming Failure

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“I vow to speak up every time I hear someone make a sexist, racist, xenophobic, or generally intolerant comment. No more passisvism on the issue that matters most: Equality.” –Julia, 29, Norwich, VT

“I have a few work-related resolutions this year: I want to find a new job and get promoted, and while I am in my current job, I want to focus on developing my team and honing my skills as an effective and well-liked leader. I’m also resolving to be more offensive in terms of how my team drives towards goals, rather than waiting to let processes drive us responsively.” –Jamie, 29, New York City

“I want to be nicer to my husband and learn how to stay calm in situations where we don’t agree, instead of jumping to conclusions.” –Laura, 29, New York City

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“I’m making a point to donate more money to charities I believe in. Since Trump’s election, I’ve given to Planned Parenthood, the Jimmy Carter Foundation and my student newspaper at the University of Pittsburgh. I already give to Save the Children monthly, Operation Christmas, and to my church. On my list for next year: the ACLU and the IRC or UNICEF for Syria-related issues.” –Maria, 30, Newark, New Jersey

“Two things I want to do more of in life are to call friends and family who live far away, and meditate regularly.” –Katie, 29, New York City

“My resolution is to develop a new professional skill, like learning how to use Google Analytics or becoming a better and more polished public speaker.” –Kalli, 29, Brooklyn

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“I’d like to be more assertive and direct with people in my personal and professional life—especially when it comes to saying no. I have a habit of avoiding conflict, so learning to face things head-on even if I’m uncomfortable would be major progress.” –Elena, 28, Washington, D.C.

“I want to actually set aside one night a week to date, work out at least three times a week—not just for looks, but because I feel so much better on every level when I do—and read one bestselling book per quarter.” –Mary, 30, Brooklyn

“I want to volunteer at least once a month. This year, I’ve been slacking hard with my community service—gotta change that in 2017.” –Leah, 32, New York City

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“I’ll support trustworthy news organizations like the New York Times, Washington Post, Slate Group, and others to stay up-to-date on current events in my city, country, and world, even when they’re depressing as hell. Looking away from the bad stuff that’s going on is half the reason we landed in this place, so I’m determined to be informed and aware, if only to motivate myself to stay active and involved in making change.” –Anna, 29, Brooklyn

“I want to focus on being interested over being interesting.” –Sarah, 24, New York City

NYE spot on resolutions
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“I want to get better at speaking in general. It’s one thing to have trouble chatting up a group of strangers at a party, but another to stutter through work presentations and blow job interviews with fast-paced, nervous chatter—which sounds cute on ‘Gilmore Girls,’ but is less so IRL. Our political climate has made this a more pressing concern: It took me an embarrassingly long time to call my local representatives and beg them to denounce Steve Bannon’s appointment. Of course, when I finally did, it was so easy. Expect to hear more from me in 2017.” –Emma, 27, New York City

“I want to not only be informed, but also to do something about the things I see and read about. Long, long gone are the days when being informed was enough to be good. I think they maybe never existed, I just wanted them to, badly.” –Lexie, 29, Brooklyn

More: How 9 Women Handle Sexism


Originally posted on StyleCaster.com

I'm not "lucky to be thin" — I'm chronically ill

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I lost 15 pounds in two months. Supposedly I should be excited, but at 5'3" I now tip the scales only at 93 pounds. So in reality I should be horrified. The truth is, since my diagnosis of celiac disease (an autoimmune condition in which ingesting gluten causes inflammation and damage to the intestines), I've transformed from, as my mother put it, a 106 pound "muscular Barbie" at the peak of soccer season to a skinny minnie and I don't know how I feel about it.

Image: Casey Cromwell

The largest part of myself hates my new, bony body. For most of my life, I devoured everything I could fit inside my mouth and never gained a pound. The surprised gawk of the restaurant staff when they picked up the empty plate that used to house a pound of hamburger and fries was as delicious as the food itself. When I finally passed one hundred pounds my junior year, though, it didn't bother me at all. In fact, I loved it.

Many people associate "thinness" with happiness, but from a lifetime of experience with it, I knew differently. I still cringe at the memory of fifth grade girls discussing my "chicken ankles" in the corner of the class. Not to mention that with my gained weight, I could finally fill out a pair of jeans! I even trained to bump up my weight for soccer season when I transitioned from the under 16 to the under 18 playing bracket.

Because of celiac's lovely hand, in only a few months, all the muscles I worked so hard to tone have disappeared. Goodbye Marilyn Monroe and hello pant-sagging prepubescent Justin Bieber wannabe! Yet, at rare times, a small part of me looks at my slim body in the mirror and thinks, "Yep. That's how, according to everything I see, a teenage girl's body is supposed to look."

More: I didn't know I was addicted to an opioid until I tried to get off it

The fact is, we live in a society that glorifies thinness. The magazines perched on grocery store shelves boast phrases like, "Lose 15 pounds in 30 days!" or "How I Lost Half my Body Weight!" And the odds of seeing a Victoria Secret model that mimics an oak tree instead of a twig? About as likely as me, the celiac, gorging on a gluten-filled buffet.

If anything, my weight loss has shown me that the majority of teenage girls are victims of this media storm. As I've lost weight, the comments about it have steadily increased. I've noticed, though, that all those who have left negative comments are older and usually my friend's mothers. Considering I've never met these mothers before, my low weight is extremely obvious. Despite this, the people who know me best —my friends— haven't said a thing.

More: My hypochondria, OCD, and PTSD create a vicious cycle of mental illness I can't escape

I could excuse it as politeness or a lack of attention to detail, but we've talked about weight in the past. When they lamented over going from size 0 to size 1 pants, I ranted about the awesomeness of hips and curves. Apparently I'm the only cheerleader for gaining weight close by. Case in point: What happens if I mention my desire to gain weight? It's an instant battlefield with lots of points at their own "fatty areas" and cries that, "You're so lucky!"

Apparently if you must have a chronic illness, apparently since it keeps you skinny, celiac disease is first choice!

More: How I've learned to cope with the worst parts of my endometriosis

The bottom line though is it's hard wanting to gain weight in a society obsessed with losing it. It's hard dealing with the conflict between my own healthy image and society's "thin" ideal. But I'm determined to fight the against the current anyway so I can be not only healthy, but strong. And with the support of other celiacs who are also chugging down the protein drinks, I know I can do it.

A society that causes its people to value an ill, skinny teenage girl over her slightly larger but healthy alter ego? It's the sick one, not us.

This post first appeared at Casey the College Celiac, a blog about a college celiac's gluten free life and recipes and on BlogHer.

Originally posted on BlogHer.

Weekly horoscopes: Jan. 9 – Jan. 15

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What do you do when you fail to get support for something you believe in? Do you pack it in and call it a day? In today's society of social metrics, trending and analytics, it's easy to throw in the towel if you fail to make an impact. Attention spans are short and success is ephemeral. One wonders if we're even capable of making the sacrifices that people used to make years ago for their art, vision or dreams. Thankfully, the Mars/Pluto sextile on Jan. 10 will give you a boost of confidence. Maybe it's a timely conversation with a friend, a pep talk from a colleague or queries from an interested client. It may not be much to go on at first, but it's still something to go on. The rest is up to you and your fortitude and ingenuity.

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ARIES (March 19 - April 18)
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Naturally competitive, you enjoy a good battle of the wits and wills. These sparring matches are really more sporting than they are anything else. However, Pluto at the top of your solar horoscope can escalate things without you knowing it, so what starts out as good-natured ribbing devolves into something provocative and hostile. Take a moment to check in that the people laughing with you really are laughing with you on Jan. 10 and that they're not secretly looking around for a blunt instrument to clobber you over the head with. You can never be too sure when Mars forms a sextile to Pluto.

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TAURUS (April 19 - May 19)
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Letting people believe what they want to believe is fine within reason, but leading them on can produce disastrous consequences if you aren't careful. This is something you always want to be especially guarded about when Venus is under the beams of Neptune. Neptune augments your ruling planet's powers of attraction, which means that people will see you as the answer to their prayers, the object of their hopes and dreams. Enjoy the ego strokes, but don't take advantage of their goodwill or exploit their generosity. You don't want those who praise you today to be the same ones calling for your head tomorrow.

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GEMINI (May 20 - June 19)
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You're riding a wave of good fortune, but don't let it go to your head. The stars have different ways of teaching lessons. One is to introduce trials and tribulations, and another is to give you everything you want to see if you are truly worthy. If you are? Then things will only get better. If not? Then you'll inevitably do something that will trip you up, like making a grab for more than your fair share or begrudging somebody else theirs. Keep an eye out for this on Jan. 11 when Jupiter squares the sun. You don't want to mess up a good thing.

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CANCER (June 20 - July 21)
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You know that person you had a falling out with? Maybe it's the friend who backstabbed you, the sister-in-law who badmouthed you or the co-worker who stole your boyfriend. Well, it just so happens that this is the only person who can help you to get something that you desperately want right now. The only sticking point is that you're going to have to reach across the divide and ask. Don't let pride or resentment get in the way. Believe it or not, this person has been looking for a way to make amends, and this is her chance to do good by you.

More: What show you should watch based on your astrological sign

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LEO (July 22 - Aug. 21)
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Sometimes, we can all go a little overboard when it comes to embracing a new belief system. It's not unlike a diet when we empty out the refrigerator and cupboards and replace it all with the latest gluten-free promises of a happy future. The sun/Jupiter square on Jan. 11 shows you beginning to rethink some of your most recent radical departures. Maybe you don't have to forswear social media or hang upside down every day to stimulate your brain. The sign of a positive, healthy lifestyle choice is in how it integrates with the other areas of your life to create an organic whole.

More: What show you should watch based on your astrological sign

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VIRGO (Aug. 22 - Sept. 21)
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You're entering a shaky time when upsets in your finances could throw you for a loop. Planetary squares involving Uranus and Jupiter show that you need to rethink the way you manage finances. Fixation on adhering to a budget is leading you to lose the dollars for the pennies. Yes, your faith in a failsafe system is being undermined, but let this inspire you to seek out a financial consultant or make changes in your portfolio that should have been made a long time ago. You've been sitting on your assets for too long. Your money can — and should — be doing more for you.

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LIBRA (Sept. 22 - Oct. 21)
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When did you decide to become a doormat? That's what you'll be wondering when you say yes to another outrageous demand at work. Now, in a perfect world, you'd march into your superior's office and tell him off, but that's not going to happen. Your problem is that your fear of rejection is locking horns with his complete obliviousness to create a difficult blind spot for you both. Thankfully, you'll be able to articulate your position once Venus passes out of the rays of Neptune on Jan. 17. You'll soon discover that it was never his intention to make you feel taken for granted.

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SCORPIO (Oct. 22 - Nov. 20)
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Fear of loss no longer rules your life like it once did. Perhaps you've come to accept that loss is a natural part of life or maybe you're tired of living in fear and don't want to lose out on the things you treasure most. Everyone goes through these sorts of epiphanies from time to time, but this is more than just a passing realization. The Mars/Pluto sextile on Jan. 10 shows that a cornerstone is being laid to a new and lasting spiritual foundation. And now that you're secure in who you are, you can get on out there and take back what's yours.

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SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 21 -Dec. 20)
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Did you wake up and smell the coffee? Or are you simply tired of repeating the same cut-and-run pattern? Whatever the reason for this dawning realization, it looks like you'll be staying put and making a committed effort to maximize your resources. Don't expect an overnight success. It may take until April for you to see any results, but rest assured that your decision to put your shoulder to the wheel and to work with the situation you find yourself in will produce. It may even leave you wondering what took you so long to arrive at this conclusion in the first place.

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CAPRICORN (Dec. 21 - Jan. 19)
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It's an enlightening week for you as information surfaces that will prove extremely useful. This could run the gamut from inside scoop to off-the-record conversation to the rediscovery of forgotten records, papers or email correspondence. It's not every day when Pluto lifts the veil and gives you a behind-the-scenes glimpse into what's really going on. You'll want to keep your eyes peeled and your ear to the ground on Jan. 12, Jan. 23 and Jan. 30. Many blanks will be filled in and inconsistencies explained. More important, you will also see how you can use this knowledge to further your aims like never before.

More: What show you should watch based on your astrological sign

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 17)
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You are stronger than you know. You're under a lot of pressure to hold things together regarding a certain project or venture, and it's not easy given all the monkey wrenches that keep getting tossed your way. Remember Captain Sully? He was the airplane pilot who had to make an emergency landing in the Hudson River after a flock of Canadian geese flew into his engines. There was a movie made about him last year. He's an Aquarius just like you, and as long as you maintain your cool and keep saying, "I can do this," you'll experience a similar success on Jan. 30.

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PISCES (Feb. 18 - March 18)
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People can open doors for you, but they can't make you walk through them. That's up to you. It appears as if you are dragging your feet when it comes to pursuing an opportunity. You're drumming up all kinds of excuses for putting off making that all-important phone call or scheduling a game-changing interview. Nobody really knows why people born under Pisces have such a difficult time taking action. Your penchant for procrastination makes Hamlet look like a multitasker. It would be a good idea to seize the day on Jan. 10. Wait any longer and this opportunity will pass you by.

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Your weekly love horoscope

Weekly love horoscopes: Jan. 9 – Jan 15

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Last week, Venus entered Pisces, the zodiac sign of her exaltation, and on Jan. 12, she will form a conjunction to Neptune. This is one of the most exhilarating romantic influences in astrology and it can be an intoxicating experience. However, Venus is more about the fantasy than she is about passion when she's in Pisces, which means that you should proceed cautiously. There's no mistaking that the feelings are real. It's the reality of your situation that's questionable. For instance, you may be more in love with the idea of being in love than you are with him. Or the guy you're dating has such an idealized picture of you that you can't help wondering who he's going out with. Enjoy the magic while it lasts. Whether it has staying power or not is something you'll discover on Jan. 27.

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ARIES (March 19 - April 18)
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The more something is kept out of reach, the harder you'll fight for it. It's what comes from being born under the most heroic sign of the zodiac. But there are times when the planets in their courses show that there's a good reason why a certain someone is unavailable, and it's more than just him playing hard to get. Venus and Mars are traveling through the most mysterious and potentially deceptive part of your solar horoscope, which means you don't know the full story behind the guy you're attracted to. It's worth a Google search before you go any further.

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TAURUS (April 19 - May 19)
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We all have certain past "relationships" we'd rather not talk about. Maybe it's that regrettable one-night stand or maybe it's the one-night stand that went on 13 months longer than it should have. Be forewarned that this fellow will be circling back into your social orbit this week. He may know someone who knows the guy you're seeing or he's buddies with a pal of yours at work. It would be wise for you to be proactive and to put your best spin on things. That way, if he goes negative, people will see him as the sore loser and not you.

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GEMINI (May 20 - June 19)
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Keep terms vague and rather noncommittal from Jan. 8 through 12. It's great that you found it in your heart to forgive and forget, to give a loved one a second chance or to return to a relationship that you were struggling with. However, Mercury coming out of retrograde followed by a change of zodiac signs shows that your intentions — though good — might not be honest. And by that the stars mean honesty with yourself. Everyone wants a happy ending, but if that happy ending means further unhappiness for you, it's not worth it. Give it a try, but don't finalize anything yet.

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CANCER (June 20 - July 21)
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It's hard to be romantic when you feel like you're walking on eggshells with the man in your life. Most people would advise you to make your own fun — and that could provide temporary relief in the moment — but you still have to deal with him. What can be done? Try treating him like a knotted muscle. If he's feeling tense and likely to bark at anything, respond by lowering stress levels and putting out those negative ion energy particles that only people born under Cancer can put out. This will get him to unwind, relax and act like a human being again.

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LEO (July 22 - Aug. 21)
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You're special. It comes with being born under a zodiac sign that's ruling planet is the sun. A source of joy and light, people's days begin and end with you. They want your approval, love and attention. This is wonderful as long as they cherish that, but there are some who will begrudge you your successes. It's all right in a situation like work, but it's not OK if it shows up in your love life. You need to be with someone who treasures how special you are. If he feels competitive or jealous, it's best to get out now while the getting's good.

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VIRGO (Aug. 22 - Sept. 21)
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It looks like you'll be experiencing a serious bout of cold feet this week when Mercury comes out of retrograde in that part of your solar chart that pertains to love and romance. Somehow along the way, you got talked into saying yes when what you were feeling was "maybe." It may feel like it's too late to go back on your word, but is going forward when you're feeling this uncertain really a wise idea? Share your reservations on Jan. 12 and ask for some time off. You won't be ruining anything by taking a hiatus. If anything, you may be saving your relationship.

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LIBRA (Sept. 22 - Oct. 21)
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You're going to feel like a dog chasing its tail this week. The minute you say no to him, you'll want to make things right, and once you make things right, you'll be mad at yourself for caving in. This is why people accuse Libras of being unable to make up their minds, but what it really comes from is trying to do what's best for the relationship. That's really the work of two people if you think about it. Focus on your side of the fence, let him worry about his, and eventually, you'll work out the proper balance of give and take.

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SCORPIO (Oct. 22 - Nov. 20)
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Are you getting soft in your old age? Maybe. But then again, it could be Venus in Pisces working its own special magic in that part of your solar chart that pertains to love. You're beginning to realize that you're never going to bond with that special someone in your life unless you tear up the scorecard of grudges and grievances and make a fresh start. Thankfully, it's all water under the bridge when Venus conjoins Neptune on Jan. 12. Open your heart and you will discover the greatest strength of all: forgiveness. Nothing brings greater solace than peace of mind and a brimming soul.

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SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 21 -Dec. 20)
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This isn't the time to give up — not when you're so close to learning why your partner or potential paramour has been so removed, cautious or stubbornly noncommittal. Mercury's change of direction on Jan. 8 followed by the full moon on Jan. 12 shows that he is ready to divulge everything. You will learn all about the what, the why and the when. This may be enough to make you forgive and forget, or it could turn out to be the truth that sets you free. In any case, it's best to know where he stands because you're tired of all the second-guessing and manufactured excuses.

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CAPRICORN (Dec. 21 - Jan. 19)
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Only a Capricorn could experience sleepless nights because of too much good fortune. It makes you anxious that the man of your dreams may become a reality, that your spouse is riding a wave of success at work or that loved ones are actually happy and content. What if all of this were to fall flat on its face tomorrow? And so what if it did? Graduating magnum cum laude from the school of hard knocks has taught you how to rebound, recover and rebuild when life lays you low. Now you need to learn something entirely different: How to cherish the here and now.

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 17)
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Sometimes there's a higher purpose to be served by the pains-in-the-derrieres in your life. Maybe it's this person's self-absorption that drives you crazy, inflexibility in the face of change or double-dealing that leaves you seeing red. Nevertheless, the stars reveal that there's something to be learned by having him in your life. Perhaps his self-absorption teaches you to make yourself a priority, his stubbornness reminds you that you're not as open-minded as you think or his double-dealing shows that the ends really do justify the means if everything turns out well in the end. The universe chooses strange mouthpieces. You'd be wise to listen up.

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PISCES (Feb. 18 - March 18)
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You have to safeguard your emotional space while Venus is in Pisces (Jan. 2 through Feb. 3). Venus is a very inviting planet. Named after the Roman goddess of love and beauty, it's Venus' job to attract love and money into your life. However, the planet isn't all that discriminating, and given your enormous capacity for empathy and understanding, you could find yourself pulling in a host of users and takers — especially on Jan. 12 when Venus conjoins Neptune. Examine who adds to your life versus who detracts and don't be afraid to toss the detractors overboard because there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

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